Last. Dead freaking last. Humorous Columbus Tourney Report

[Soupboy]

Unless there's a universal policy preventing such, I would prefer if this report was *not* moved to the Tournament Forum so that I may respond to any comments.  Thanks.

Before I delve into the actual report, I’d like to take a moment to state that, in general, I believe the casual use of profanity and crude humor is rather base and illustrates a lack of creativity and being an ignorant buffoon.  But there are times when one doesn’t mind appearing a buffoon.  This is one of those times…

WARNING:  This tournament report contains adult content not suitable for children.  It’s Type One Gone Wild!  With sexy magic co-eds willing to bear all!  Or perhaps not.  But it does contain references to bestiality, masturbation, and perhaps even animal masturbation.  Viewer discretion is advised.  

It’s not a long drive from Oxford, Ohio to Columbus, but part of me wanted to skip the tournament, perhaps just sit back with a few cold ones, maybe watch a little “Mork and Mindy” on Channel 57.  But then I remembered how boring Oxford really is.  

If I’m going to head to Columbus for a Saturday tournament, I’ll always try to make time Friday night to hit my old magic hangout on the west side.  A place where I can usually make up my gas money with a few easy trades.  The folks there lined up like the Pharisees at the whorehouse to trade with me.  The best cards I lost were Vampiric Dragon and RV Shivan Dragon and I pulled in 30-40 cards either for Five Color or for my “One step above jank” binder.  Two guys claimed to actually get wood from looking through my binder.  I didn’t check the accuracy of their statements, but I did ask them to avoid getting spooge on my Type 1 goodies.  

For the past few tournaments I’ve taken “Mint Skittles” which has evolved into something that remotely resembles EBA.  I took 6th at the last Columbus Mox tourney and a solid first place at the Grand Prix Columbus Type 1.   But in the past month and a half, more things went in and out of my deck than Paris Hilton.  And with all the alterations and a SB that was created mostly the morning of the tournament, my deck decided to treat me like a Babylonian whore.  And not in a good way.

4x Underground Sea
4x Tundra
4x Flooded Strand
3x Island
2x Plain
1x Strip Mine
1x Black Lotus
3x Mox Sapphire, Pearl, Jet
1x Sol Ring
1x Mana Crypt

4x Force of Will
4x Mana Drain
4x Duress

4x Meddling Mage
4x Exalted Angel

1x Ancestral Recall
4x Brainstorm
1x Time Walk
1x Yawgmoth’s Will
1x FoF
1x Skeletal Scrying
1x Demonic Tutor
1x Vindicate

3x Damping Matrix
2x Null Rod

SB:
2x Chains of Mephistopheles
2x Hurkyl’s Recall
2x Dust to Dust
2x Stp
2x BEB
1x Damping Matrix
1x Moat
3x Orim’s Chant

The tournament was an hour late getting started due to four guys from Cleveland having car trouble, and we opted to wait for them.  Type Four ensued, much fun was had by all, and I was taught that “counter-wars” are relatively difficult to achieve when one can only cast one spell per turn.  And Doug learned that the alternate casting cost of Force of Will is about as useful as sporting two-inch wood.

Round 1:  Jason, TMD “The Captain.”  Control Slaver.
From very limited playtesting Friday night, unpowered Control Slaver absolutely wrecks me.  Powered, it makes me feel like a soiled tissue after a long night of watching Paris Hilton videos on the internet.  

Game 1 I manage to drop 2nd turn Lotus, 2 Moxen, hard cast Exalted.  Jason Forced, removing Thirst for Knowledge, I Forced, removing Meddling Mage.  Angel resolves.  Turn three I cast a savage Demonic Tutor and make the first of many play mistakes for the day.  Not mistake like accidentally sleeping with your sister when you’re drunk mistake, but more like forgetting to rewind your roommate’s copy of Luscious Babes of Nazi Germany mistake.  I only had two mana available so I opted for Null Rod which I could cast immediately, over say, Damping Matrix or Ancestral or any other freaking card in the deck.  It’s important to note that my opponent had a Welder in play.  Null Rod becomes Black Lotus, and beats begin.  The Angel swung for three turns before an insane Fact or Fiction seals my doom.  Hooray for Mindslaver!

Game 2 my opponent parised to six.  I dropped an early Meddling Mage naming Rack and Ruin, as I also had a 2nd turn Damping Matrix.  My mage was beaten like a wanker owing money to the mob by sided-in Flametongue Kavu.  “Planeshift tech for your Planeshift tech.”  His tech was better than mine.  A morphed Angel met the same fate, and I couldn’t stop a pair of 4/2 monsters the likes of Anna Nicole’s hoo-has.  

Games 0-2
Matches 0-1

Round Two:  Tim Allen with Draw.7.
Game 1 was dubbed “The Game That Never Was” as we both agreed to never speak of it again, and to pretend that it never happened.  Ergo, the following is a fictitious account of something that didn’t occur.

I started off with Land and Mox, but Tim cast a second turn draw 7 which left me with zero mana producers in hand, but him with almost all land.  I Forced his Timetwister and his storm count putzed out at seven.  I play Draw-Go as I can’t find land to cast all the goodies in my hand.  Soon after Tim cast Diminishing Returns (removing Tendrils in the process), and I draw Ancestral, Brainstorm, Skeletal Scrying, and no freaking lands.  I have 1 land and two Moxen.  Ancestral resolves, no land.  Brainstorm resolves, no land.  Next turn I Skeletal for two, no land.  Meanwhile Tim hard casts ESG because “mis-assignment of roles=game loss” and everyone knows the combo player is the beatdown. Tim drops a second ESG and the beating continues.  

The entire time I felt like I was masturbating with my clothes on—the win was so close, and yet, in the end, just damn frustrating.

I finally manage to draw my last Mox (still no land), and cast Fact or Fiction.  My opponent wisely separates the cards into threats (angel) and lands, and I opt to take the lands. I topdeck two more lands and have zero threats in hand.  ESG’s get me down to six and I find a Meddling Mage (naming ESG, but he becomes a chump blocker anyway).  Then Tim cast Bargain and me with a Drain but no other spells.  Even with Tendrils removed, I believe he can find Burning Wish within 13 cards, so I drain the Bargain, topdeck land, and fucking burn to death.  Yea…  How unbelievably pathetic.  But of course, none of this ever happened…

Game 2:  Draw sevens get countered, I can’t find threats, he plays Xanitc Swarm.  I’m holding FoW and Mana Drain and think to myself, “I wonder if Snoopy ever got it on with Lucy, because damn was she fine,” and then decide to let the Swarm resolve in case he was baiting me for another spell this turn.  And I’m an idiot.  He passes the turn and I draw shite.  Over the course of the next three or four draw sevens I encounter multiple FoW’s, Mana Drains, even a few Orim’s Chants.  And I can’t cast a single one.  

Games 0-4
Matches 0-2

With only 18 people at least I can still make top 8 at 3-2.  And I figure with an early 0-2 at least I won’t have to face amazing players and I might even dodge Slaver completely.  And I get paired with Steve Menendian with Meandeck Slaver.  Wtf?  Yeah, he’s 0-2 as well.

Round 3: Steve Menedian with some jank pile of cards that includes Goblin Welder and Mindslaver.  How can it possibly be any good?
Steve won the die role.  I kept an opening hand containing Force of Will and some other things, while Steve parised to six.  He dropped first turn Lotus (no land drop) and I paused to consider Forcing thinking he might be mana light, but then I remember how much Steve uses “smoke and mirrors” and he might be wanting me to think he’s mana light and he’s holding a fist full of lands.  Mox Sapphire followed Lotus, pop for red, Welder gets Forced, Sapphire becomes Tinker food, which equals Gilded Lotus.  An amazing Fact-or-fucking-Fiction of Thirst, Thirst, Ancestral, Mana Vault, Mox Pearl later, and Steve doesn’t even bother to lube up before ass-raping me.  

Game Two: I manage an early Damping Matrix and two morphed Exalteds as I sit on Island, Tundra, Mox Sapphire and no fourth land in sight.  Steve casts a Brainstorm and comments “This will take me a while to decide” and proceeds to sit and ponder which of three cards to return to the top of his library.  While Steve contemplated, I just daydreamed about what I wanted to do with Kevin’s mom, a goat, and a jar of peanut butter.  He casts some ass-backwards Nemesis card that apparently not only kills an artifact, but it’s free if your opponent is playing the best color in Magic and you control a mountain.  However, it still costs three if you forget to cast Blood Moon first.  My beats plus Mana Crypt damage plus City of Traitors brought Steve down to four before Trisk kills one morphed Angel and Memnarch steals the other.  Gilded Lotus = fiipped angel and I cry like a little bitch.  

Games 0-6
Matches 0-3  

I hadn’t even won a single freakin’ game!  I seriously pondered dropping so I can catch a few hours of sleep before heading to work at midnight.  I decided to play another round, as Type 1 is Type Fun, and I get paired with a freaking bye.  I drop and make the drive home.  Overall it would have been more advantageous had I stayed home and had anal sex with my goldfish and roommate’s cat.  But such is life.

As I ducked out early, I just saw the top 8 list.  I'm glad to see someone use EBA a bit more intelligently than I did, as well as all three of my opponents ended up in top 8.  

In conclusion, remember, “It’s the queers, there in it with the aliens; they’re making landing strips for gay Martians!  I swear to God!”

Props:
Mike for loaning me cards for Grand Prix tournament and I forgot to thank him
Doug's girlfriend (Erin?) for baking us cookies, giving me some wicked-good painkillers, and getting an invite to join Team Meandeck before they realized she planned to sell their secrets to Russia
Ghengis Khan simply for being Ghengis Khan
ESG for being able to beat
Steve for opting to not randomly flip through my graveyard while not my current opponent
Fazzoli’s for incredible lemon freezes
My roommate’s cat for reasons better left unsaid
Stuart, for not being like everyone else, here in the trailer park

Slops:
My deck for deciding to suck
Meddling Mage for having a toughness of two and bending over to FTK
FTK for being good and not being in my deck
Tundras for boycotting rounds 2 and 3
Kevin’s mom for not returning my phone calls
Work for expecting me to be there at midnight
Ohio drivers for not understanding the concept of SLOWER TRAFFIC MOVES RIGHT
Memnarch for stealing my Exalted
Dust to Dust for having WW in the casting cost
And for fucking snow in early April

[Jawman16]

Sorry things didnt work out, especially in the Draw 7 matchup because that should be heavily in EBA'a favor.  Why run Null Rod?  The list I saw you had from the GP (and the list I basically ran Saturday) seemed to be better without it.  Wasteland + Damping Matrix is good enough to screw over the opponent.  A Null Rod on the opposing side cost me the T8 matchup.  I would never want to run it in EBA or any deck with 6 artifact accelerators.  Matrix is good enough because it doesnt affect you at all.  

What matchups is the Moat good in?  It certainly wasnt solid in the madness matchup (see my report.  Why did I board it in???).  Is it strictly there for O Stompy?  Against Tog I would rather have the extra Matrices.  I think I may drop the card from the board for something better.  

I agree with you when you give Dust to Dust slops.  The card is decent and answers Chalice for two but the mana cost and sorcery speed really inhibits it's effectivness.  I may look for new answers for the slot.

[Elric]

Tough luck with the tournament, at least you have a good sense of humor about it.  I noticed that you cut Wasteland from the deck.  Did you miss it?  It seems like EBA can have a lot of trouble getting double-white for Exalted Angel, so I was thinking about removing wastelands.  How did the higher number of basic lands work out?

Also, is Chains just for the Draw-7 matchup, or do you bring it in against other decks as well?

[Hi-Val]

Excellent report, Jon! Next time, I think you should probably go back to running U/W Mint Skittles, or at least splash for FTK. OMG, the beast, the beats!

Null Rod is good in the deck because it uses only on-color moxes. When I asked Jon about the Ophidians a while ago, he said "I get a card a turn. I have plenty of draw!" This is the deck you should be looking at if you want a strong EBA. Anything that runs Negator and Phid is outdated.

That, and Mo-at is house against Hulk decks!

[Soupboy]

Why run Null Rod?  The list I saw you had from the GP (and the list I basically ran Saturday) seemed to be better without it.  Wasteland + Damping Matrix is good enough to screw over the opponent...  

...What matchups is the Moat good in?  It certainly wasnt solid in the madness matchup (see my report.  Why did I board it in???)...  

...I agree with you when you give Dust to Dust slops.  

Null Rod is not a "play-as-soon-as-you-draw-it" card.  Evaluate the situation and then make an informed decision.  Opening hand of Mox, Mana Crypt, Land, Null Rod will not make the Rod a first turn play.  However, if you draw 2-3 more lands and your oppoent is using lots of articats, play it.  It's an absolute house against decks that don't have an answer for it.  If it's not applicable at the moment, try to Brainstorm it away.  But it wrecks Slaver (until they find an answer or Weld it away), most combo, and TOG (if they're mana light and have several moxen).  It's too good to not at all.  But, yes, I did side it out occasionally.

Go back and read your own report again regarding Moat.  It slowed your opponent down until he drew Wonder.  What would have happened if you hadn't had Moat?  More beats a lot quicker.  It's also strong against Tog, O. Stompy, random Aggro (which I expected at the Grand Prix), and even Slaver (if D. Matrix is out, their only flyer is Pentavus and maybe Platinum Angel).  Will Moat single handedly win games?  Probably not.  Does it help?  Absolutely.  

D2D is still strong, but it may not make the cut until I adjust the mana base.  WW is a requirement, period.  No angel= suck.  If I'm going to run enough white for Exalted, I'll try to work with D2D again as well.  

Regarding the Wastelands, see above-- I need colored mana.  It did allow Steve to run rampant with a Library for several turns, but I think that game was lost anyway.  

Chains... eh... Last minute decision for techiness.  Yeah, mostly for Draw.7, but I'd probably side it in against 3 color TOG (Against 4 Color I think BEB is stronger, and there's not enough to side out).  Besides it's wicked tech with Skeletal Scrying main....

And Hi-Val hit it on the nose-- "Anything that runs Negator and Phid is outdated."  But I'd also add, anything that doesn't include MINIMUM 2 Damping Matrix isn't worth playing ATM.  In my opinion, Matrix is what makes EBA playable right now.  

Peace,
The Soup

[Jawman16]

About the Null Rod I guess it comes down to whether or not the deck is going to run Strips or not because it doesnt look as if there is room for both affects.  Against Slavery I think that the Damping Matrix is good enough.  It shuts down enough to win with ease.  Granted, Null Rod is better in that mathcup but I will sacrifice the small benefits you gain in one matchup for strengths in the another.  Damping Matrix is nearly as good but it does pwn Welder and co, which is something that the rod does not do.  This is actually very important b/c as you said, even with the rod out they can just weld it away.  With the Matrix they cannot.  You are absolutly correct when you say that Dmatrix is the reason the deck is playable.  

Regarding Moat, now that I am a few days removed my grievous play mistakes I realized that I should have done one of two SB strategies.  1.)  Bring in Moat and Coffin Purge along with the STP's or B.)  Board in the other 2 Damping Matrix.  But I only brought in Moat and relied too heavily on it.  I should have demonic tutored for an STP as opposed to the Lotus which led to the Moat being cast.  If I had done that I would have been much more competitive b/c all Kirdape3 drew was Swords so I couldve beaten down with Mage until I got the mana for the angel.  Like my report says, stupidity=match loss.

Moat is not better then Matrix againts tog, in fact it is strictly worse b/c of mana requirements and your MM's wont be able to attack.  2/2MM>1/2 tog.  Matrix shuts down togs better then Moat b/c it makes them vulnerable to Mage attack.  The only drawback in the matchup is that there is more artifact hate then enchantment hate.

Hi-Val hits it on the nose when he says this is the EBA to look at.  'Phid and Negator are the sux.  Phid is too slow and Negator is not that special without Dark Ritual behind him.  4 Angel 4 Mage is the best plan.  I have never lost a game when I attacked with an angel twice.  The tempo gain is ridiculous especially since todays decks are hell bent on dealing 20 damge as soon as possible but the angel makes them work so much harder.  Having four of them is key in control mirrors b/c it gives you more threats.  My friend Joe from the report had always Pwned me with Still until I added the 4th angel.  Having an increased shot at drawing her made the matchup swing to about 50/50.

Random question...Does LoA make the cut?  It won me a game against tog but was a dead card other times.  What do you guys think?  I say it stays b/c 1st turn LoA wins games more then many other things.

[kirdape3]

Playing as an aggro deck against you, you REALLY REALLY want to go for the flipping of the angels.  Therefore, I'd really make sure that I had WW at all times - that's how you lost the first game was to mana deprivation and Null Rod making Crypt a really awful card.  If you can't make the mana give you WW by like turn 3, then I'd seriously consider cutting LoA so that you can do that.

[Jawman16]

@kirdape3.  Thats what I was thinkin too but it so hard to cut a card that basically says I win if i drop it turn one and you do nothing about it.  Our matches were not the only games I lost because of lack of white.  The three matches I lost in swiss were all due to lack of white mana.  You were dead on when you said "derf" towards my boarding in of Moat.  Lol.  Still good games man.

[Soupboy]

Against Slavery I think that the Damping Matrix is good enough.  It shuts down enough to win with ease...

If a resolved DMatrix "shuts down enough to win with ease" against Slaver, I have to question the experience of the Slaver player (no offense intended, Slaver is a *tough* deck to truly master).  I've lost several games to Pentavus/Trisk beat down with no Angel in sight.  And Rack & Ruin is quite the house.  My point is that often DMatrix can use the help of his little brother Null Rod.  Yes, it can be welded.  But MM naming Welder and Null Rod just adds more threats they need to counter/remove.

....Moat is not better then Matrix againts tog, in fact it is strictly worse... The only drawback in the matchup is that there is more artifact hate then enchantment hate.

Don't misunderstand what Hi-Val and I are saying-- Matrix is absolutely superior to Moat against Hulk.  But against a deck running 8 counters and a bunch of draw, I like to have more "must-counters."  I would side in Matrix before Moat, but that doesn't necessarily mean Moat doesn't make the cut, for the very reason you point out-- Artifact Muation sucks against Moat, and hopefully you can pull off a MM naming Deed.

...I have never lost a game when I attacked with an angel twice...

Then you're a luckier man than I.  I've had opponents down to 4 life before recurring Slavers sealed the game.  

Random question...Does LoA make the cut?...

To be honest, this is a card that I have not playtested with.  My gut says no.  It doesn't produce White, and more importantly, there are very few games where I have a fistful of cards.  I usually sit at 2 or 3 and then Library is pure jank.

Regarding the White source issue, I'm toying with something that I'm actually a bit embarassed to even mention.  -2 Underground Sea, +2 Scrubland.  I know, I know, Scrublands in type 1.  With six blue duals, 4 fetches, and more basic Islands than plains (for Blood Moon), I think the deck can support a few non-blue duals.  It also will make Fetching a little easier if I already have 1 island and 1 Tundra and want both black and WW.  Testing will hopefully see if this is viable.  Another option is Mox Diamond, which would also help with Blood Moon.  I may replace Sol Ring with it and see...

The Soup

[Jawman16]

Then you're a luckier man than I. I've had opponents down to 4 life before recurring Slavers sealed the game.

Lol yea it may be luck and it probably has something to do with the fact that Ive only been playing the deck for a little over a month but who knows.  

I did a little testing today and LoA is not good.  You say it best in that it doesnt produce white.  Period.  Along those lines I dont think Scrubland is necesary.  It is a struggle to get WW up but not that desperate.  The Mox is an interesting idea.  I dont know if it is worth it though.  Card Disadvantage in T1 is not good.  We all know this but if problems persist we may have to give it strong consideration.