Report for Concord, NH Type 1 August 18th, 2002 AD

[kl0wn]

Yes, I am starting my own thread, because this report is going to be a long ass muther.


7:00am, August 17th, 2002

Ring...ring...

Hot sounding chick: Hello?
Me: Hi, is Jason there?
Chick: Yeah, hang on.
Me: Cool, thanks.
Jason: Zzzzz...Hello?
Me: Jason, its Bryce, we've got a minor hiccup.
Jason: What's that?
Me: Smack's not going.
Jason: Why?
Me: He got plowed over by a bus.
Jason: WHAT?!?! Is he okay?
Me: What do you think? He got plowed over by a bus.
Jason: Oh my god, that's terrible!
Me: Yes, it would be if it were true, but as it stands he has a much lamer excuse.
Jason: (utterly confused) Wha? Huh?
Me: His car broke down.
Jason: Oh.
Me: So can I hitch a ride with you guys?
Jason: Yeah, sure as long as you don't smoke in my truck.
Me: Y U be hatin' on da smokas dawg?
Jason: What?
Me: Fair 'nuff.

So Jason shows up at my apartment in approximately 30 minutes and fills his radiator up in front of my house while I grab my shiz. I also grab my trusty, dusty Rand McNally Road Atlas that was made by the hands of underage Paraguayan slave labor for Wal-Mart. This is very important, as you'll see how it played a huge role on the way home.

We burn over to CrazyCarl's pad to collect him and Rob. Jason and myself had to fumble around in front of Carl's house for a few minutes because of a giant, EVIL, poisonous-looking spider chillin' on its web in front of the door. I hate EVIL spiders. They're like, wicked EVIL. This one was no exception.
So Jason just stepped on its web while I stood far away and freaked out. Then we went inside. I'm such a girlie man.

I realize that I left George Clinton's greatest funkin' hits in Smacks car the evening before, so I ask Jason if he would mind heading over to Smack's South Side flat. He's cool with it, so we stop at the gas station by Carl's house and I buy some OJ and a variety of TastyKake donuts. Chocolate-covered donuts and OJ are like the best thing for road trips. Actually, they're horrible, because even with the air-conditioning on at full, they still manage to melt and look NAF. But they still taste like chocolate-covered donuts, which is good.

We jump on the highway over to Smack's apt. and I climb his stairs and start pounding on his door like I'm the fuzz. One of Smack's associates whom we will call Chico, because lord knows what the hell his real name is, opens the door and I ask him if he would mind if I blasted Smack out of bed with the firehose. He's cool with it, so I pound on Smack's bedroom door until his drowsy ass wakes up. It takes a good 5 minutes. When Smack opens the door, I have my camera ready and take a picture of his mug. I'd post the picture here, but I don't have the film developed yet because I use a REAL camera.

We all decide to go to the nearby Park Diner for breakfast where we order omellettes and diet waters with lemon. Somehow ham and/or sausage manages to add an additional $2-$3 on to a meal's price. Good thing I didn't order any.

Finally we get done eating and set out for the great land of New England, where their clam chowder is gay and creamy. On the way back to the highway we see a police car with nobody in it. I suggest driving away with it, but then Jason reminds me that if I did, I would automatically get two stars and we're quite a good distance from the Pay 'N' Spray.

So we leave, and drive.

And drive.

And drive.

Eventually, we get about 100 miles away from Binghamton when I request the use of the stereo so that I may funkify the ride. Everyone is cool with it, so I throw in the Funk.
We get through Bop Gun (featuring Ice Cube) and halfway through Break My Heart (the stop tha bleedin' remix) when everybody totally disses the hell outta da Funk out of the speakers. Damn jive-ass honkies...

-rant-

yer all shit

Look, I don't mean to be gittin' in yo people's personal business or nuthin'...BUT a lot of you youngbloods wouldn't even been on set ... if it hadn't been for GC. He made a whole lotta funkateers do the spermtusi (don't be shamed). Because of him, it became legal fo yo armpits to stank. And wot Magic player's pits aint fonky?

-end rant-

Oh yeah...and Rob had to pee.

So we peel off the highway and land in Jerkwater, NY where they apparently had no Coke in the convenience store until I had to point out to everyone that it was waaaaay in the back. We all emptied our bladders and then piled back into the Maibutsu Monstosity that is Jason's truck. We stopped in the middle of the road to take some pictures of the Podunkville Market and the Podunkville Bank from the truck and then took off on the highway.

And drove.

And drove.

And then reached Vermont. Vermont is total shit. Cast Death targetting Vermont. Vermont is a poser. Vermont can't be bothered to pave its highways and, with the exception of Burlington, steals its city names from other U.S. states. Vermont should be banished to Canada.

Yeah, we drove though Vermont. We also came across some interesting signs. One of which was the infamous 'Free Wood In Back', while another being any sign for the Bryce real estate company. If Vermont is good for anything, its having sweet-ass signs that would be perfect for stealing. That is, of course, if I were a doper that stole signs and put them up in his bedroom. Which I'm not.

Stay tuned for part 2, since I'm probably running out of characters.

[kl0wn]

Begin part 2.

It ends up taking us about three hours to drive through Vermont. Vermont is very wholesome and clean. It sucked. I'm used to crackheads and prostitutes, which Vermont had neither of. We stop at another gas station so Jason can fill up his tank and so we can all answer nature's call.

As we leave, we see two guys who apparently work for an ice cube company unloading bags of ice into an ice dispenser. Their shirts read "We bust our cubes for you" on the back of them, so I took a picture when they weren't looking. Mise.

So we got through Vermont. Whoop DEE DOO.

We drive for like two minutes through NH, BECAUSE THEIR ROADS ARE PAVED AND THEY HAVE MORE THAN ONE LANE, and finally end up outside of Concord where we get totally lost in this really wholesome, Disneyfied area. I'm not kidding, this place was totally rated 'G'. The street names were like Pleasant Drive Rd. and Appletree Lane. It wouldn't have surprised me if I had found out that the houses were made of gumdrops and the roads paved with licorice.

We end up on the highway again and pull some crazy illegal activities across the "no U-turn" strips of pavement that just beg you to make U-turns on them even if it would take you in the wrong direction that you want to go in. We burn back to Hopkinton, and park rather badly across the parking lot of the local Cracker Barrel store. We start wondering about all the people that we had pissed off on the highway and all of the people we were pissing off by taking up half the parking lot, but I calmly explain the strategy of being out-of-town New Yorkers: We're from New York, just pretend we have guns.

Jason calls Steve up on his phone and Steve informs him that his brother and a friend of his had just left to go to the store and we confirm that their car is in fact the one parked in front of us.

Someone suggests that I should go into the store and bust them down on the dilly yo, but I have a better idea. We hang out outside, looking all sinister and suspicious until they come out, then we follow them back. When they finally come out, we start taking pictures until they pull out of the parking lot and then we peel out after them.

What ensued was a sixty-mile-per-hour car chase through the woods with me hanging out of the window snapping pictures. After many twists, turns, and near Firestone-induced rolls, they pull into a small clearing at the corner of a turn and we blow right by them. They then take off in the other direction while Jason struggles to do a K-turn on this Jesus-Christ-where-are-we backroad. By the time we get turned around, they are long gone, but we manage to find them parked in front of Steve's house.

And they thought they could hide from us...

We pull up and get out and have a lot of laughs with everyone, then no sooner do we unload our supplies, than do Carl and Steve start laying into eachother with their Keeper decks.

The night has already been covered plenty, so I'll leave that alone.

I must say though, that I tested against Gro with my Parfait (aka: The Great White Hype, which I am writing a primer for) and just slaughtered it. I absolutely hate all the hype generated by this deck and Quirion Dryads are my new favorite whipping boys since they aren't half the man Morphling's momma is and they have been carrying almost as much reputation as Superman. The little bitches must die. I can't say anything good about a deck that just rolls over and scoops to The Abyss.

We were all sufferring from hunger-induced delerium, but it was cool because there were many pizzas and oven-baked goodies on their way.

I tested, ate pizza, watched Dogma, meditated, put the fear of God into Jason, who wanted to play Vaginal Academy against Cooncap, I got owned by Funker against my OSE and finally we all went to bed around 3 am. It was good times.

The next day, we all woke up around 10 am, did some hygenic stuff, ate some donuts, then took off into Concord for the tournament.

After arriving, Steve showed us the tourney site, then led us to the "Strip" where all of the restaurants were located. We pulled into this joint called "Beefside", got a table, and then realized that we had to be back in twenty minutes. So we left, stopped at a convenience store so Carl could get like five hundred different over-the-counter remedies for his digestive system. Apparently, someone had cast Befoul on Carl's stomach at some point during the previous night. I think it was all of the meat that he had been eating.

So we went to Burger King on the way back. I got a double bacon cheesebruger meal with a Rodeo Cheeseburger for dessert. I have to say that the Rodeo Cheeseburger is an incredible bargain. It is a cheeseburger with fried, breaded onion rings on it and that's smothered in barbecue sauce. All of that for ninety-nine cents. Wow. I need to go to BK more often.

Welcome to Booger Fling...may I rape your daughter?

We all tool on back to the tournament site and give Steve our money.

My deck, for reference:

rOSE with Cunning Wish


Counters:
4 Mana Drain
4 FoW
2 Mis-D

Drawing/Search:
1 Ancestral Recall
1 FoF
1 Timewalk
1 Stroke of Genius
1 Skeletal Scrying
1 Merchant Scroll
1 Mystical Tutor
1 Timetwister
1 Demonic Tutor
1 Cunning Wish

Utility:
1 Fire/Ice
2 Powder Keg
1 Chainer's Edict
1 The Abyss
1 Mind Twist
1 Zuran Orb
1 Yawgmoth's Will

Creatures:
3 Morphling
1 Gorilla Shaman

Mana:
1 Black Lotus
1 Mox Sapphire
1 Mox Jet
1 Mox Ruby
1 Sol Ring
3 City of Brass
4 Underground Sea
4 Volcanic Island
1 Undiscovered Paradise
1 LoA
1 Strip Mine
3 Wasteland
3 Mishra's Factory
3 Island

SB:

4 REB
1 Mis-D
1 Capsize
1 Shattering Pulse
1 Douse (top secret tech against late-game PoP, which I ph34r t3h cr4p 0ut 0f)
1 Diabolic Edict
2 Dwarven Miner
1 Scrying Glass
1 Powder Keg
1 Teferi's Response
1 Ensnaring Bridge

Round 1: Guy (who's name I can't remember) playing with Kird Apes, burn, Sylvan Library and Counterspells

Game 1: I resolve a second turn Abyss which eats his two Apes. He tries to burn me out, but I cast a Morphling and beat him unmerciful with it while at nine life.

In: 1 Powder Keg, 1 Douse
Out: 1 Timetwister, 1 Skeletal Scrying

Game 2: I resolve a first turn Abyss off a Lotus. He says "cute". A couple of turns later, I cast Douse, then I just sit there until I draw a Morphling, which I bring him down to 3 life with, and then I let him kill it for fun since I have a Mishra on the board and another in my hand. Mishra deals the final 3 points.

Round 2: Pat, playing Mono-R Workshop with Winter Orbs and Covetous Dragons

Game 1: He does some nasty things to me, but I drop LoA after he uses 3 Strips on my lands. I sit there on my Library until I feel like casting a Morphling and going combo on him with Yawgmoth's WiN.

In: 1 Shattering Pulse, 1 Powder Keg
Out: 1 Timetwister, 1 Skeletal Scrying

Game 2: He goes nuts with a Memory Jar and a Goblin Welder. After all of that nonsense he poops out a Covetous Dragon. I Keg for 1, killing his Welder and a Cursed Scroll when he is tapped out with a Mishra on the board. Then I Chain him. Then I Mindtwist him next turn. He says "land, go" and I cast Timewalk, drop a Morphling, take my Timewalk turn, cast Yawgmoth's WiN, go apeshit, cast Timewalk again, drop Library with seven cards in my hand. While I'm doing all of this, he's picking up his cards and shuffling them back into his deck.

Round 3: CrazyCarl, playing Keeper

Game 1: We play Land, go for about a thousand turns until I get bored and poop out a Morphling. A gigantic counterwar ensues and Morphling resolves. We both have 2 cards in hand, and I figure that the coast is clear so I cast Ancestral to reload. Carl Forces, pitching his Morphling. Next turn, Carl mises an Edict off the top and kills my man. Then he lays his own and I attempt to Chain him on my turn, which he counters. The next turn, after he hits me for 5, I flash the Chain back and watch his Morphling hit the graveyard. I then proceed to cast another Morphling and win.

In: 3 REB, 2 Macho Man, 1 Scrying Glass
Out: 1 Abyss, 1 ZOrb, 1 Timetwister, 2 Keg, 1 Mystical Tutor

Game 2: I cast a first-turn Scrying Glass off an Island and a Sapphire with Force backup. Carl doesn't counter and I end up outdrawing him 2-1 for almost the entire game while knowing what's in his hand. At some point I resolve a Morphling because Scrying Glass is the man. I beat him down to 4 life, then Demonic Tutor for Timewalk to end the game right then. I tap out to cast Timewalk and he REBs my Morphling and goes nutz. This only annoys my kung fu, as I go into my Timewalk turn and draw another Morphling and SUMMON it onto the table. I then say go and Carl draws his card then scoops.

Round 4: Jason, playing Vaginal Academy

Game 1: I can't remember much about this game, except that I blew up a lot of Jason's land and beat him down in short order.

In: 3 REB, 2 Macho Man
Out: 1 Abyss, 1 Timetwister, 1 ZOrb, 1 Fire/Ice, 1 Something Else

Game 2: I swing the early Mishra beats and Jason plays a bunch of artifact mana, then casts Meditate. I play more land, then he drops a Helm and says 'go'. On my turn I Mindtwist his entire hand away. He attempts to beat me down with Masticores and I lose a Morphling and a Factory in the process from him shoting them and me playing stupidly. Eventually I deal with all of his Masticores and ride a Morphling to victory.

Semifinals: CrazyCarl, playing Keeper

Game 1: I draw Vermont and Carl pimpslaps my lo fat ass.

In: Same as before.
Out: Same as before.

Game 2: Pretty uneventful. I draw Vermont again and Carl slaps me around like a redheaded stepchild.

Revenge for Carl, bandaids for my skinned little-girl knees.

For those of you who aren't meand can't understand my slang: Vermont=shit for land.

The rest of the tournament has been pretty well covered by everyone else, so I'll skip that part.

Next: Part 3, the ride home.

[kl0wn]

Part 3: The long-ass ride home.

After the tournament, we return to "Beefside" for dinner. It was good. It was also expensive.

After finishing our meal at Beefside, I poke on over to the convenience store where Carl bought his drugs earlier and cast Death, targetting their bathroom.

After casting Death for about 20 minutes, I jump back into Jason's Monstrosity and show everyone the "pen" that I "found in the bathroom". It wasn't actually a pen, and I didn't really find it in the bathroom. It was actually a device much like a low-voltage Tazerboy that shocked people when they tried to click it. It was much fun to watch everyone shock themselves while they played with it.

So we took off down the highway towards Massechusetts. Thanks to those underaged Paraguayan Wal-Mart slaves, I was able to find us a way back home without having to drive back through Vermont. We also managed to stay on real highways that had real pavement on them. I love those little bastard "elves" that make Wal-Mart the wonderful guttersnipe consumer paradise that it is.

Rand McNally Road Atlas made from the blood and sweat of illegitimate Paraguayan children: $5
Not having to drive through Vermont: Priceless

During the drive home we had the pleasure of getting wicked freaked out while watching the pieces of an eightteen wheeler's back tire rip off and spark against the pavement. Being the good samaritan that I am, I decided to let the driver know that he was about to kill hundreds of innocent people in a 27 car pileup with his 20,000 lb. steel machine of death.
I grabbed a spare slice of paper and dug my trusty Sharpie out of my pocket, then wrote upon said slice of paper: "YER TIRE'S FLAT" and held it up to the window. The guy nodded and continued on his way. Well, I did what I could. Jason did suggest that I call the police on his cell phone, but I decided to leave the rest up to God and the paramedics. Besides, the truck hadn't flipped over yet, so it probably had some sort of secret tech to prevent such a thing from happening.

We stopped at a rest area right before the New York border to stretch our legs and get some gas. Jason bought a bag of Whoppers that he ended up not wanting, so I felt obligated to find a clever use for them.

Have you ever noticed how malted milk balls closely resemble tiny little poop nuggets? I did.

I put three Whoppers in the waistline of my boxers and walked up to Carl, who had been waiting in line for way too long after having ordered a cheeseburger from the quasi-futuristic McDonalds.

Me: Hey Carl
Carl: What?
Me: Oh crap...what the hell?
Carl: (confused look)

Then the Whoppers fell down the legs of my shorts and rolled onto the floor. Some guy in line kicked them away from him and back at me. I thanked him for his help, then walked away.

After sitting around for a few more minutes,  I decided that it was time for me to go outside. As a farewell salute to the McDonalds employees, I drop-kicked a Whopper into the line of people waiting for their fast food, then bolted out the door. On my way to the door, I failed to notice that the floor was wet and soapy. As a result, when I went to fly through the door and out into the night, I lost my footing and landed on my knees, screaming like a little girl on my way down. I got up and looked around to see if anyone had noticed my feminine shriek, which apparently nobody did. I collected myself and stormed out the door.

After smoking for a minute or two, I realized that the fat guy who was mopping the floor had neglected to put up wet floor signs. So it really wasn't my fault. I stood there for a bit and the fat guy eventually came out to mop the little corridor. I proceeded to throw Whoppers at the window while challenging the fat guy to a duel. He ignored me.

Jason was still pumping gas, so I decided to stand in front of the entrance to the convenience store and yell at Rob about the fat guy. At this point, my knees were throbbing due to the fact that they were missing about an inch of skin.

While Rob and I were standing at the door, this very attractive female walked by into the convenience store. I offered her a Whopper, but she totally ignored me. I'm guessing that she ignored me because the lack of skin on my knees. I could technically sue McDonalds for emotional anguish at this point. This woman could have been my soul mate. We could have been destined to meet at that rest area and make lots of babies. BUT NO!! I HAD NO SKIN ON MY KNEES!!!

I BLAME YOU FAT GUY!!!

I waited for her to leave the convenience store and decided that I would offer her a Whopper one last time. As she walked out, I asked her if she would like a Whopper again. She looked at me, then she looked at my skinless knees, then she looked at the bag of Whoppers in my hand. Then she smiled and said "no thanks". So that was that. My emotions were dashed upon the curb of highway comfort plaza number twenty three and my heart was torn from my chest by fat, greasy McDonalds employees. Just like that, she was out of my life.

*sigh*

Who needs rest-stop romance anyway?

On the way home, I offered Whoppers to every toll booth attendant with the hope of finding that little piece of me that I had lost. They all declined.

We arrived home safely at about 1 am.

Congratulations to Carl, for winning the Mox Ruby.

Special thanks to Zherbus for his hospitality and holding the tournament in the first place. Next time, we'll be happy to be your hosts.

Thanks to everyone who made the trip fun, which is everyone but the state of Vermont.

The End

DIE VERMONT!!

STAB!! STAB!! STAB!!\n\n

[Zherbus]

Best report ever. I was only there for a third of it!

[CrazyCarl]

Ah, but whenever you travel to NY, WE will be the jealous ones missing out on the 5 hour trip

Oh, and of course.











Fuck Vermont

[leviat]

Yeah, won't Smack be pissed about all the fun he missed.

 

[riverboa11]

I agree with Zherbus, that is the best tournament report I've ever read.

Btw, are you guys going to be up at Altered States the 1st?  I'm going to try really hard to make it up there.

[CrazyCarl]

Even if I have to 'Hound it up, I'll try to be there.

On that note, is the tournament still scheduled for the 1st?

Carl

[riverboa11]

@Carl - I believe so.

If I do go, I'll make sure to bring a couple of people so we have a good number of players.

[kl0wn]

First off, thanks for all the compliments on the report, guys. I was actually thinking about revising it and making it a tiny bit more serious, then sending it in to Starcity so that others may see what a blast we Type 1 players have.

Secondly: About the tournament at Altered on the 1st, I do believe that they had the scheduling genius to organize a 1.5 tourney at the same time and on the same day.

If we can make it though, we will.\n\n

[CrazyCarl]

Binghamton Represent Yo

[specialk]

Awesome report it was hilarious.  Watch about the remarks that vermont should be moved to Canada... we got paved roads.  Keep'em comin

edit:punctuation is tech

[Cartman316 _420]

LOL
LOL
LOL
LOL
LOL
LOL
ROFL

THIS IS THE BEST EVER TOURNEY REPORT EVER!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD

THIS IS SOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY!!!

I DONT CARE THAT U DIDNT WIN, IT WAS GREAT!!!

i actually fell off this chair laughing reading part one and 2

i woke my mom up laughing

she was mad, but its all good

LOL
KEEP THE GOOD TIMES COMMING!!!

~Cartman

[Phyrexius]

This sure was good reading.. I love d00ds with a sense of humor  

[Abra_Volta]

Awesome report. 2 Stars, Pay N'Spray, i nearly fell outta my chair laughing.