Survival Kit for Toronto tournaments

SUBJECT
Toronto Tournament Survival Series

DATES
Sunday Nov. 17th - pretournament at 401 ($5 entry fee)
Sunday Nov. 24th - the big Hairy T Great Rewards tournament ($20 entry fee)

Here is a comprehensive list of the things you will need to know if
you plan on attending either tournament:

PARKING
There is parking somewhere in downtown Toronto for less than a week's salary.
Try College Street and Yonge and stop complaining.

WHICH TOURNMENT SHOULD I ATTEND
If you are bringing a new deck, PLEASE try it at 401 and then come to Hairy's.
It's GOOD to know a deck's strengths and weaknesses and how to play it. Honest.
Otherwise, Hairy T's usually draws the best decks and players and hands out the bigger
prizes.

STARTING TIMES
The advertised tournament starting time is 1.:00. This means it's time to
start building your deck so you can register it. Don't worry about being late for a tournament because
There's a good player running late (me) and Leon is putting the final touches
to our deck so the tournament will start sometime after lunch if we are lucky.
This applies to ALL tournaments.

One day a tournament will start on time. The good players and Lam will
not be allowed to participate. That will leave the scrub players who arrived
on time to fight it out for the top 4 (finally BeBe will win). This will happen
one day. Not this coming tournament, but one day.

FOREIGN CARDS
English is redundant. Cool players play foreign cards and especially foreign
foils. Know which foreign cards are cool. Do you know which languages work
best with which cards? Here is a simple guide:

Asian - Black bordered artifacts. Especially the ba-roken ones that kill
your opponent. If you can speak the language, announce the
spell in that language and when asked to interpret the card, read out the
text in that language. Remember to insist that Canada is multi-cultural and
make sure the Judge is threatened by a human right's complaint.

German - Usually red, violent cards like Lightning Bolt and Stone Rain.
Blitzschlag and Steinhagel screamed loudly frighten your opponent. You have to
shout these names when you play them, preferably not while playing in Dulmen.

Italian and Spanish - Dark and Legends are often are great candidates. People will attempt to read your card.
Scrubs often refuse to admit that they don't understand a word of Italian and
you can therefore interpret the card to your best advantage.
While they're staring at the card adjust your life counter.

French. There are no good French cards in English Canada. If you have cancer,
French is the language you want your doctor to speak. French Incinerates
and Fireballs don't deal damage in Toronto. French cards also have dodgy
wording.

BETA CARDS
Beta cards win games. It's a proven fact for which i will gladly supply statistics.
A Beta Lightning Bolt deals twelve damage. A Beta Counterspell removes all
copies of that spell from your library and hand.

LUNCH BREAK
There is no lunch. Didn't I say it starts after lunch? You will bear
absolutely no resemblance to a successful tournament player if you break for refreshments.
Use the time to ask the Leon annoying questions like:
"When's lunch over?" and "What are the rankings?"

Caffiene is good. It makes your decks work. Never spill Coke on your cards.
The exception to this is McDonald's Coke, which contains no Coke whatsoever.
However, you must drink and eat out the front door inn sub-zero weather.

JUDGES
Judges are bored and love to feel needed. They love to answer questions.
Make them say "Caution" a lot. Ask the time remaining repeatedly. If you want
to know the answer to a serious rules question, ask the people playing next to
you. If they don't know the rules, who would?

THE TOP 4
If you make the top 4, you must stop playing. Noone plays in the top 4.
They play a new game called ID. Get good at this game.

INTERNATIONAL INFLUENCE
Magic is a truly international game. Where else could you play decks from
all over the world without having to leave Toronto? Lose with AoS.
All decks posted on the manadrain are great by definition. There are no bad
decks on this site.

GOOD PLAYERS
Good players are very scary. They play good cards in their good decks.
Thankfully, we have very few in our metagame.
They have all left for the Pro Tour to get their butts kicked.

If you do play a pro tour player, ask them to autograph your land, your sideboard,
the rest of your deck. Then your whole body. Then your neighbours body.
If done correctly, the game will be timed out and you'll get a draw.

ANTE
Nobody plays ante. If you're ever offered the chance to play naked ante
or any other deriavitive, decline. Nobody wants that and we don't allow it.

That's all you need to know to play in Toronto.
The voices are telling me to make up my surprise deck now.
It surprisingly loses in the top 4.

Remember, you may only tutor for a Tutor. That's how the pros play.