If you were a magic card, what would you be?

[Evenpence]

I had a dream that I won the invitationals, and I got to pick an artist to do my card.

I picked Douglas Schuler (who is by far my favorite artist), but he screwed up the picture, making me look like my favorite card art, Force of Nature.

So, here are some rules:

1)  You have to be a creature.
2)  You have to have a sweet ass ability.
3)  You have to tell us which artist is going to paint you.
4)  You have to tell us what you're going to be doing in the picture.
5)  Your real name cannot be in the CARDNAME.
6)  Try not to be overpowered.

Okay, here's me:

Chaos Warlock
R
Creature - Wizard
At the end of each player's turn, that player sacrifices an untapped permanent.
1/1

I would be painted by Douglas Schuler, and I would have all these badass symbols and flames around me.  I'd have an enormous vertical scar down the right side of my face, starting in the middle of my forehead and ending before my jaw.  I'd also have this wizard staff that's shooting out badass symbols and flames.

EDIT:  Oh, and I'd have wings.  Badass wings of symbols and flames.

[SonataOfTheCathedral]

I think I'd be something really asshole like and nitpicky. Like I'd enjoy giving my opponent a game-loss for 59 cards. Yeah that player.

Icatian Accountant W

When Icatian Accountant comes into play target opponent recieves a deck check from a DCI judge.

0/1

[Lou]

I'd be Akroma's underpants!!!

[Evenpence]

Sounds like an Unhinged card.

Akroma's Underpants
4
Artifact
4, make a bad joke involving Akroma's Underpants:  Flip a coin.  If you win the flip, gain eternal glory amongst the ranks of elite posters.  If you lose the flip, try not to act like everyone can't believe you're really that nerdy.

[The Atog Lord]

I actually did this with some friends once. We all made up cards about each other, and ended up with a 100+ card set. Very fun. Anyways,  mine was something like this.

Rich Shay, The Atog Lord
2UW
Legendary Creature -- Human Philosopher
First Strike
Remove 2 cards in your hand from the game: Rich Shay, The Atog Lord phases out.
At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a card in your graveyard from the game. If you do, draw a card. If you do not, tap all creatures you control.
Creatures you control cannot attack  unless you remove a card in your graveyard from the game for each attacking  creature.
Creatures you control cannot block  unless you remove a card in your graveyard from the game for each blocking  creature.
3/2

"Seek the Logos."

[Demonic Attorney]

From the same faux-set as the above post:

Demonic Attorney, The Undying Vengeance
2UB
Legendary Creature--Human Barrister

Haste, Flanking
If you have zero cards in your hand at any point, sacrifice ~this~ and it deals 3 damage to you.
During your upkeep, if ~this~ is in your graveyard, you may return it to play tapped.  If you do, all times you would draw a card this turn, skip that draw instead.
B:  ~this~ gets +1/+1 until end of turn.  You may not spend U on activated abilities of ~this~ for the rest of the turn.
U: ~this~ is unblockable by creatures without defender until end of turn.  If ~this~ deals combat damage to a player this turn, draw a card.  You may not spend B on activated abilities of ~this~ until end of turn.

3/1
"A true sense of purpose in life defies all obstacles, even death.  You will find out what I mean."

[Mind_under_Matter]

~this~   1UU
UU, Sacrifice a creature: Remove all spells and abilities from
the stack, replace them in any order. You may choose new
targets for those spells or abilities
2/2

I'd prefer the art done my Tedin or Beard

[Matt]

The Card With No Name, from unhinged.

[Komatteru]

JD
4UU
Legendary Creature - Mathematician EE Genius

All cards you play (lands too) have Storm. (This ability was a little too good).
JD cannot be the target of spells or abilities, yo.
Your shit can't be countered, yo.  No exceptions.

Yeah, that Chalice doesn't do a goddamn thing now.  Oh, and nice Banana Drains, chump.
1/3

[PacmanXSA]

PacmanXSA - Slapper O' Retards
GGUURRBBWW

R: Slap JD
U: Slap Demars
B: Slap Franklin
G: Slap Ben Perry
W: Slap Minore
RUBGW: Pwn everyone in the room.

Owww... My face hurts! - Droba

0/5

Pac

[forests failed you]

Forcefieldyou, Antagonistic Muckraker
Legendary Creature- Human Flagbearer

UB1

B:  Target spell or ability an opponent controls targets Forcefieldyou, the antagonistic one, if able.
U:  Forcefieldyou, the antagonistic one Cannot be the target of spells or abilities until end of turn.


1/4

"'forcefieldyou is my personal gift to vintage magic the gathering' -god," -forcefieldyou, antagonistic mudraker.

[SpencerForHire]

SpencerForHire
{B}
Creature - Broke-ass College Student Confident Confidant

Skip your draw phase.
During your upkeep unless you pay {B} or SpencerForHire is late for class.
Tap: Draw two cards.  Play this ability only when the format is Legacy and only if you are spectating: not actually playing.

2/1

Illus. Ron Spencer

[Robert the Swordsman]

Robert the Swordsman
WB

Legendary Creature - Human Hero

First strike
Robert the Swordsman cannot be the target of spells or abilities.

3/1

--

I actually had this as my signature for a while.

Everyone else was breakin' the "your name =/= card name" rule, so I figured I'd join in.

I also give Aysen Crusader +1/+1, if you know what I mean.

[asmoranomardicodais]

Unnattentive Idealist
1RUU

Unnattentive Idealist cannot be the target of spells or abilities.
All permenents other than Unattentive Idealist have phasing.
Skip your next draw step: Unattentive Idealist phases out. Use this ability once per turn.

"All things cannot exist unpercieved. Hey look! A butterfly! ...Umm, where'd everyone go?"

1/3

Bonus points if you know what idealism is!

[49 Cents]

So you might as well change the cardname to 'Hitler'?

I would probably be some sort of Plague Spitter, only better. Like a 2 mana 1/2 body that shoots.

[bomholmm]

Overeager Lich
B

legendary creature - lich

concede the game: you win the game.

He gave his life for ultimate power, but it didn't quite work.

1/1

art would be by Chris Foss
It would be some awesome spaceship or something becasue thats the stuff Chris Foss does, and because art having nothing to do with the card is awesome.

http://www.altanen.dk/Gallery-Main.htm

[Ephraim]

I've already stated that if I ever won the invitational, this is the card I would use:

Liege of Elysium
{W}{W}{W}
Legendary Creature -- Angel Lord
3/3
Flying
Remove a card in your hand from the game: Return Liege of Elysium from your graveyard to your hand.
{W}{W}, : You may play a card removed from the game with a card named Liege of Elysium without paying its mana cost.

I hadn't really thought about illustration.  Probably Christopher Rush.  I don't really have a favourite artist anymore, but looking through angel illustrations, his work on the Visions Archangel was fantastic.  He's also responsible for some other very nice, pseudo-realistic pieces that have a strong focus on a roughly humanoid being: Demystify, Radjan Spirit, and Yotian Soldier.

[Clown of Tresserhorn]

Clown of Tresserhorn
1R
2/1
Activated mana abilities can't be played.

I'd probably have Roland draw my picture. He's an amazing artist. Either that or Anson Maddocks.

[The Atog Lord]

That does it, I'm building a Clown deck. Turn one land, mox, Clown, win!

[iamfishman]

That does it, I'm building a Clown deck. Turn one land, mox, Clown, win!

Pitch two Elvish Spirit Guides...Play powder keg, wait two turns, kill your guy, and then kill you.

Ok now that the joke is out of the way...my card.

Robi, Eater of Nachos
Human Pig

When Robi, Eater of Nachos comes into play, you may eat a card in your deck.  If you do, destroy target permanent.
(Sleeves count as part of the card)

I've never seen somebody eat so many chicken wings!

[The Atog Lord]

Pitch two Elvish Spirit Guides

Clown stops this, too

[Clown of Tresserhorn]

Oh shit! I totally spaced the fact that it hits lands...I guess it'll have to be "Non-land activated mana abilities can't be played."

I originally intended this to be the opposite of damping matrix.

[Jacob Orlove]

Pitch two Elvish Spirit Guides

Clown stops this, too

You lose to Frogmite, though.

[Bardo]

Bardo
Legendary Creature - Human Mystic
{W}{G}
2/2

When Bardo comes into play, search target opponent's library for a card. Make a fair trade offer with cards you own from outside the game for target card and exchange permanent ownership of those cards. You may shuffle target card into your library.

"All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die."  - Bob Dylan
illus. sam brown

[TheBrassMan]

Brass Man
Artifact Creature

1/3

Brass Man doesn’t untap during your untap step.
: Untap Brass Man. Play this ability only during your upkeep.

illus. Cristopher Rush

[Norm4eva]

This isn't exactly the same, but awhile ago I was dating this girl and she really hated Magic even though she decided to learn how to play it... anyway she worked at the hiway diner where a group of us would play, and everyone knows that when you're at a restaurant, sugar packets make the best tokens ever - if they come in enough colors you can even keep track of life pretty easily.  Whites are 1, Reds are 5, Blues are 10 etc etc...
Anyway, we had this bad habit of changing tables and not picking up our sugar packets.  OFten times three or four different tables would be littered with Insects, Birds and Wurms from 20 separate games.  So one day, I take out my poopy Goblin deck and get ready to play when this Magic card-sized piece of notebook paper falls out.  I take a look at it and it read as follows:

Headless Mama
1R

(picture of a "woman's bathroom girl" beheading some schmuck)

Creature - Mama Waitress

When Headless Mama comes into play, target player cleans the table.

Trample

3/3

...as you can see, it's rife with tech.  Later on, I lost both the 'card' and the girlfriend, but I later picked up a girl that likes Magic and WANTS me to go play tournaments and prereleases.  Even better, she's not one of those dwarvish statured, kinky haired, smelly and socially awkward geek girls.  Score.

[Joblin Velder]

R

Joblin Velder

Creature - Goblin

Tap: Choose target artifact a player controls and target artifact card in that player’s graveyard. If both targets are still legal as this ability resolves, that player sacrifices the artifact in play, then puts the other artifact from his or her graveyard into play.

1/1

Illus. Scott Fischer.

[SpencerForHire]

R

Joblin Velder

Creature - Goblin

Tap: Choose target artifact a player controls and target artifact card in that player’s graveyard. If both targets are still legal as this ability resolves, that player sacrifices the artifact in play, then puts the other artifact from his or her graveyard into play.

1/1

Illus. Scott Fischer.

That is way to strong it can't be your card.. They would never in a million years print something like this.. Just think of how good that is..

[49 Cents]

Bardo
Legendary Creature - Human Mystic
{W}{G}
2/2

When Bardo comes into play, search target opponent's library for a card. Make a fair trade offer with cards you own from outside the game for target card and exchange permanent ownership of those cards. You may shuffle target card into your library.

"All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die."  - Bob Dylan
illus. sam brown

I'm pretty sure you'd have Threshold..

[Godder]

Godder, Legacy Guardian
Legendary Creature - Minor Deity
{W}{W}
2/2
: Bitchslap target user.
: Stop target flamewar.
: Clean up target thread.
: Complete tedious task.

"Thread necromancy is bad."