A deckbuilding challenge, perhaps a bit weird.

[L_O_L]

So here's the story.

Last night me and my brother were talking Magic things, about what tournament we could be attending next, what decks to play, and so forth.  We are avid Vintage fans by the way.  Out of the blue I ask him this absurd question : "do you think I could win every single tournament if I'd be privileged to always win the die roll, and start with 4 Hasted Goblin Lackeys in play ?".  Those Lackeys would be entirely independent to the decklist I'd play, and general Vintage rules would apply (so no more Goblin Lackeys in the actual deck as well). 
Now I know this sounds really strange, but it's brainteasers like these that keep me and my brother attached to the game we so love.  Needless to say, my brother brings up the whole statistics-argument and tells me I would probably lose 1 tournament out of a hundred, so no bananas.  Of course I have to concede the argument because the power of mathematics force me to. 

But then he crossed the line. 

After a short moment of silence, in which I was brainstorming and thinking really hard of an unbeatable decklist with which to abuse these Lackeys, he goes and adds "you probably couldn't even build a consistent first turn goldfish-kill-deck with that advantage".  I call shenanigans, we go on for a few more minutes arguing, and I then decide I would build him such a deck by the time he came back from school the day after (that is today).  Now I come to you, fellow TMD'ers, to help me out here.  I know that it might not be too hard, I actually have a few ideas myself, but seeing as there's little time left I thought I'd put the idea out there to get a better result faster.

The way I see it, there are a couple of approaches to this :

1) You just ignore the Lackeys and build Meandeck Tendrils (which would then only need a consistent storm count of 7 to win, because the Lackeys attack for four anyway).  I don't know this deck well enough to guarantee that this would kill on the first turn consistently though.
2) You abuse the Lackeys by getting tons of Goblins into play (Siege-Gang Commander, Goblin Marshal, Kiki-jiki, etc.) and pull some sort of combo win from there.
3) You build a very consistent Tendrils combo deck and abuse the hell out of your 4 creatures by running then-broken cards like Culling the Weak, Diabolic Intent, etc.
4) You put as much mana acceleration in a deck as possible, add 4 Serum Powder, and 4 Hatreds.  Hatred would be like Tendrils of Agony for 1 mana more, except you don't need a storm count to go with that.

So I was wondering if you guys had anything to add.  I really want my competitive nature towards my brother to triumph here, and of course I think it's possible to break the game beyond repair in this situation, I guess I just need to see what you people can come up with.  Keep in mind that all you need is a first turn kill in goldfishing, so no disruption is really needed since Force of Will is not a factor.

Thanks for reading this !

[dandan]

Does turn 1 Trinisphere count as a 'win' given that you can attack for 16 damage before your opponent can play a spell (barring silly lands)?

[L_O_L]

Definitely not.  The opponent simply cannot have had a single turn.  I thought about Trinisphere and other things, but it's still not a direct kill, so to speak.  However, if anyone is genius enough to come up with some sort of infinite recurring Time Walk kill, that would count because the opponent didn't get to playing a turn.  It's just an example though.

One other thing : can you stack Lackey triggers so that you can put a Goblin Matron into play when the first trigger resolves, search your library for a goblin with the Matron trigger, then use the following Lackey trigger to put that goblin into play ?  If so, there's some serious Goblin Matron/Goblin Ringleader/Goblin Recruiter potential out there, but I'm not quite seeing it right now.  I guess Gaea's Cradle and Brightstone Ritual would both be pretty broken in combination with stuff like Slate of Ancestry and Collective Unconscious, but I get the feeling I'm overlooking something blatantly obvious.

[diopter]

Your best bet would definitely be Meandeck Tendrils. Getting to Storm = 7 + Tendrils would be much much easier - although it's not really in the spirit of things, I'd imagine.

And yes, you can stack the triggers of Lackey that way.

[Harlequin]

Easy!

2  Steam Vent
4  Volcanic Island
1  Black Lotus
1  Lotus petal
1  Chrome Mox
1  Mox ruby
4  Brightstone Ritual
4  Goblin Matron
4  Goblin Ringleader
4  Kiki-jiki
4  Skrik Prospector
4  Goblin Sharpshooter
4  Siege-Gang Commander
4  Goblin Warchief
2  Goblin Marshal
4  Mog fanatic
4  Goblin war strike
4  Goblin Charbelcher
3  Mass hystaria
1  Timewalk


Primary sorces of damage:

Goblin Sharpshooter + Haste + SGC (goblin fanatics)
Goblin Warstrike
Goblin Charbelcher (for 8 cards into a mountian)


Theory: lackeys hit for 4, now all you need 16 more damage.  Sharpshooter + SGC gives you the ability to sac 3 goblins for 5 damage (as well as Sharpshooter dealing 1 damage when he comes into play untapped) means you can win off 9 goblins in play.

Originally I thought of making this deck manaless.. but that proved to be too wasteful because it required too many lackey's to get prospector on the board.  Now the deck has the ability to cast Prospector using the land for turn, or even MORE powerful a brightstone ritual with a land for turn. 

Basically hitting 16 damage is fairly easy. 

Sideboard for game 2:
4 Force of will
4 Misdirrection
4 Foil
3 Snapback

Just try and keep those lackies on the table for game 2!  If not then for game 3 just side back into the original deck.

[Godder]

Goblin Charbelcher seems a possibility when you consider that you can stack Lackey triggers to give you Matron-> Recruiter, thus giving you a free Mana Severance effect. Since you don't have to worry about lands and it's all about getting Belcher into play with 3 mana, Gaea's Cradle and Mishra's Workshop seem like possibilities. While you're at it, Skirk Prospector, Siege-Gang Commander and Skirk Fire Marshal could be worth looking at, too, since there's this play available:

Attack with Lackeys -> Prospector, Fire Marshal, SGC. Tap 5 Goblins to put 10 damage on the stack, and then sac Lackeys, Fire Marshal and Prospector to make enough mana to throw the three Commander tokens at the opponent's head. Total = 20 damage, and you win.

Edit: When you say consistent first turn kills, how does one define consistent?

[Harlequin]

2  Steam Vent
4  Volcanic Island
1  Black Lotus
1  Lotus petal
1  Chrome Mox
1  Mox ruby
4  Brightstone Ritual
4  Goblin Matron
4  Goblin Ringleader
4  Kiki-jiki
4  Skrik Prospector
4  Goblin Sharpshooter
4  Siege-Gang Commander
4  Goblin Warchief
3  Skirk Fire Marshal*
4  Mog fanatic
4  Goblin war strike
4  Goblin Charbelcher
2  Mass hystaria
1  Timewalk


Skirk Fire Marshal I didn't even know exsisted.  Thats a great damage dealer!

Also I don't think Recruiter is even nessisary with Charbelcher because you only need to hit 8 non-lands before you hit a mountain to win after you've attacked with Lackey. 

[L_O_L]

This is great Harlequin, many thanks !  I'm off to playtest that pile.

I too forgot about the Fire Marshal, it's a very nice source of damage.

@ Godder : by consistent, what I mean is as close to a 100 % kill ratio as humanly possible I guess.  This probably just translates into showing my brother 10 consecutive turn 1 kills.  Shouldn't be too hard with a little luck here and there.  If anyone is interested, I'll let you know how this turned out.

Thanks for your support !

[Illissius]

There's many ways to tackle this; you mentioned some of them.

Obvious approach: Add Goblins. The main problem here is that you can build for consistent kills around either Piledriver, Warchief, or Prospector, but I don't think four Matrons, four Ringleaders, and four copies of the card itself is enough to consistently find either one, so you need to be clever. What I think is an important card here: Final Fortune (plus the two Portal reprints) -- it's Mass Hysteria and Relentless Assault in one, letting you Lackey stuff out and attack with them. Mogg Maniac also sounds nasty if you want to go the Fire Marshall route.

Smennen approach:

4 Badlands
4 Lotus Petal
4 Simian Spirit Guide
4 Chrome Mox
4 Dark Ritual
4 Seething Song
4 Lion's Eye Diamond
4 Brightstone Ritual
4 Culling the Weak
4 Shadowblood Egg
4 Burning Wish
4 Diabolic Intent
4 Infernal Tutor
4 Plunge into Darkness
2 Ill-Gotten Gains
1 Tendrils of Agony
1 Siege-Gang Commander
SB: 1 Tendrils of Agony
SB: 1 Empty the Warrens
SB: 1 Ill-Gotten Gains
SB: 1 Infernal Contract
SB: 1 Biorhythm
SB: 1 Demonfire
SB: 1 Goblin War Strike

If you can't win with twelve copies of Lotus, twelve or so Demonic Tutors, and four free damage, you don't deserve to.

Hatred approach: Like above, minus Plunges, Wishes, and combo pieces, plus Hatreds.

Kill Them With Lackeys: Hasty Goblins, Coat of Arms, Goblin Pyromancer, Reckless Abandon, Goblin Grenade, acceleration.

[Shake]

This is the untune pile that lept to my mind:

4x Rites of initiation - An auto win if it's in your opening hand.

•   Creatures
4x Simian Spirit Guide
4x Prospector
4x Goblin Recruiter
4x Goblin War Chief
1x Skirk fire Marshal
4x Seige Gang Comander
1x Goblin Marshal
1x Goblin Sharpshooter
4x Elvish Spirit Guide
1x Mogg Maniac - a kill that's fetchable if you combo it with the Gem Palm Incinerator.
1x Gem Palm Incinerator
4x Goblin Ringleader
4x Goblin Matron

•   Spells
4x Brightstone Ritual
4x Fecundity
3x Food Chain
1x Mox Emarald
1x Mox Saphire
1x Black Lotus
1x Wheel of Fortune
1x Lotus Petal
•   Land
4x Teiga
2x Wooded foothills

I don't even know if I got the numbers right, do you want a 60 card deck or a 56 card deck?

[freakish777]

Empty the Warrens anyone?  Seems hot when you're sacrificing 20 Goblin tokens for R to Prospecter and have a Sharpshooter and Warchief in play.

[herbig]

// Lands
    1  Bayou

// Creatures
    4  Elvish Spirit Guide
    4  Simian Spirit Guide

// Spells
    1  Cruel Bargain
    1  Yawgmoth's Will
    1  Yawgmoth's Bargain
    1  Mana Crypt
    1  Mana Vault
    1  Sol Ring
    1  Chrome Mox
    1  Mox Sapphire
    4  Infernal Tutor
    1  Demonic Tutor
    1  Infernal Contract
    4  Chromatic Sphere
    4  Chromatic Star
    4  Dark Ritual
    1  Black Lotus
    4  Culling the Weak
    4  Diabolic Intent
    4  Land Grant
    1  Tendrils of Agony
    1  Lion's Eye Diamond
    1  Lotus Petal
    4  Cabal Ritual
    1  Mox Emerald
    1  Mox Jet
    1  Mox Pearl
    1  Mox Ruby
    1  Ancestral Recall

I goldfished this list 10 times and killed turn one every time.

Edit: updated list

aw snap, cut the mox for a star

Fixed - Godder.

[technogeek5000]

Not sure if this would win turn 1 every game, but it would certainly be very fun to play.

SUPER MEGAH FOOD CHAIN GOBLINS FTW
Combo:
4 Food chain
4 Fury of the horde

Goblins:
4 Goblin warchief
4 Goblin recruiter
4 Goblin piledriver
4 Goblin ringleader
4 goblin matron
3 Siege gang commander
2 Gempalm incinerator
2 Skirk prospecter
1 Goblin sharpshooter
1 Kiki jiki mirror breaker

Mana
4 Simian spirit guide
1 Mox Ruby
1 Mox Emmerald
1 Lotus petal
1 Black lotus
4 taiga
3 Ancient tomb
1 sol ring
1 Mana crypt
4 Wooded foothills
1 Blood stained mire
1 mountain

Behold the awesome might of Fury of the horde double attack steps.