Lame Magic Jokes

[Rex_Kwan_Do]

I know there are people out there who have lots of lame magic jokes. You know, those jokes where your "other" friends would just look at you funny and call you a fag, but if you tell it in a magic store the whole place starts laughing? I want to hear if anyone knows any good ones. I'll start off with two.

How are Yawgmoth's Will and the H-Bomb similar?
They both have the random "I win" factor.

You're momma's so fat she can block as though she had flying.

[Slack]

Matt: hey you want to hear a joke
Matt: "landstill"
EuphoricSorrow5k: lol
Matt: ahahaha

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere on the Starcity boards.

[Revvik]

There's the endless ones involving combo decks revolving around Twiddle, Bone Flute, Spitting Slug, and etc.

Matt: hey you want to hear a joke
Matt: "landstill"
EuphoricSorrow5k: lol
Matt: ahahaha

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere on the Starcity boards.

I could have sworn I saw that one here.

[Moxlotus]

Not really a joke, but anytime I say "GG" or "insane keep" whenever something good happens around non-Magic friends they all look at me with a WTF face.

[Komatteru]

Also not a joke, but I use "I'm amazing at this game" in real life all the time, even when I'm referring to things that aren't games at all.  I traditionally use this phrase in Magic when I mise something ridiculous or make some other completely unskillful play.

I've also been ending my sentences with "Thanks for playing."  Like when I solve a problem, I might say "...and then we divide this by 7 and find that the answer is...6, thanks for playing!"

No one else really understands these things either.  I usually get "Dude, this is a test, not a game."

I guess these could be classified as inside jokes, if you stretch your imagination.  That's right, I knew you'd buy into it.  Thanks for playing.

[Harkius]

Not a joke, but pretty funny nevertheless.

I was sorting out a deck once to write it down before I took it apart. I sorted all of the cards into their component piles, alphabetized them, and then set them aside for a moment to get a piece of paper and a pen. I came back, had an ADD moment, and picked up my deck. Without even thinking, I cut it and riffle shuffled the two halves together. Not really that funny. However, my first, instinctive thought was "Edit->Undo!!!" I swear. I thought that may unshuffle my deck for some reason. The really funny thing is that my mom was sitting right there, and I said it out loud. She doesn't play Magic, had no idea what I had just done, but heard me say it, saw the look on my face and said, "Yeah, I've tried that, too. It doesn't work."

LOL.

Harkius

[Komatteru]

Oh, there's this song called "Get Stoned" by Hinder, which was cool until I listened to the lyrics and found out just how terrible they really are.  I decided that you could easily replace the chorus with "Go on, go nuts / 'cause Yawgmoth's Will is so much better when you Mana Drain" instead of the "Go home, get stoned / cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me" that it is.

[Eandori]

About a year ago I forgot the name of this one card...  Can't quite remember it.  It was 3 blue and 3 colorless sorcery, had a picture of a guy with a hole in his head.  From the Dark. 

Oh, forget it.

[Lou]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a345/William_Spaniel/Londes/cheese.jpg

This one is pretty funny.  It's not a joke though, it's a comic.  Get it, a comic?

Let's link to big images that break the forum width take a long time to load instead of displaying them in our posts from now on. -Klep

[Godder]

I was in my local card shop yesterday, and I was chatting with the owner (Mike) and another gamer, as you do. We were right by the entry door because the owner was fixing the store's MODO computer (he supplies a PC for players to use MODO instore), and it's near the entrance to the store.

Anyways, the other gamer happened to spot some 15 year-old idiot pocketing some Yu-gi-oh-my-god-this-game-sucks cards, and just as the would-be thief was about to leave, told Mike, who promptly asked what was in this kid's pockets. Turns out he had about NZ$150 (about US$100) worth of singles, so Mike gets his name and kicks him out with the standard "don't come back" line. Within seconds, Mike gets annoyed with himself for not calling the police and having the kid taken home in a cop car, but it seems he's left it too late, and we can't do much about it.

About an hour later, a cell phone starts ringing. It rings a bit and stops, and then about a minute later, rings more. I'm wondering who isn't answering their phone, and investigate, finding the ringing cell phone on the floor. In a moment of irony you wouldn't write in fiction because it would be too unbelievable, the name on the phone's display matches that of the name the kid gave before he was kicked out. Mike's mood improved considerably after that...

[Slack]

Matt: hey you want to hear a joke
Matt: "landstill"
EuphoricSorrow5k: lol
Matt: ahahaha

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere on the Starcity boards.

I could have sworn I saw that one here.

I remember seeing it here too, but I searched around a bit and couldln't find it.  I decided to look on the SCG boards and someone had apparantly quoted it there.

[SpencerForHire]

Matt: hey you want to hear a joke
Matt: "landstill"
EuphoricSorrow5k: lol
Matt: ahahaha

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere on the Starcity boards.

I could have sworn I saw that one here.

I remember seeing it here too, but I searched around a bit and couldln't find it.  I decided to look on the SCG boards and someone had apparantly quoted it there.

That is me (EuphoricSorrow5k) and Matt, (Matt) talking in aim.  It's in the "Funny IRC/AIM" thread.

[forests failed you]

Why was Jesus the best Ravager Affinity player ever?

Because he had 12 Disciples.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Cheers,

FFY

[vartemis]

The funniest thing our group does is a house rule.  Whenever a player casts a sol ring, he has to sing "soul man", but replace "soul man" with "sol ring", otherwise its countered, or he gets a shot in the arm.

and on a non magic joke, but another song... My little brother and I are notorious for making up songs for situations, either entirely new ones, or taking an existing song and changing it.  Some noteables are "Late by a Century" a la the Tragically Hip, or "They were merely breath mints" from the verve pipe (Freshmen).  The Worst one by far was when I got him interested in Fantasy Warhammer, back when I used to play.  He had gotten ahold of my Vampire Counts codex and created an army using 2 special characters, Heinrich Kemmler, The Lichemaster and Krell, his undead Chaos champion.  Do you know how infuriating it is to be getting your faced smashed in while your opponent sings "Raise a little Krell" a la Trooper.  I still get a slight eye twitch every time he sings it.

j

[Klep]

One of the very early Duelists (first 2 or 3 I think) had an article that had a bunch of "You know you've played too much Magic when...." jokes in it.  Anyone have those to dig up and share with the class?

[Harkius]

I know one of them was

You know you've played too much Magic when you point at the schoolyard bully and yell, "Fireball!"

I think it was stolen from D&D, but it was on the early lists of this joke. I will see if I can dig up some more.

Harkius

Edit:
There is a better list right here: http://www.starcitygames.com/php/news/expandnews.php?Article=5233

Cheers,
Harkius

[Bardo]

One of the very early Duelists (first 2 or 3 I think) had an article that had a bunch of "You know you've played too much Magic when...." jokes in it.

I vaguely remember one from back in the usenet days...

"You know you've played too much Magic, when you're watching a Budweiser commercial and when you're asked to 'Tap the Rockies' [Mountains], you wonder what you'll do with all that red mana."

So bad.

[Dozer]

When it comes to Magic jokes, you definitely want the "Impulse like ..." stuff in there. Unfortunately, these are not  the kind of jokes you tell in non-magical company, but they are still pretty funny: The original and the 2002 update.

I have the same situations as JD. It's like thinking "Judge!" when someone crosses a red traffic light, or calling any lucky spot a "topdeck". In general, having Magic associations can lead to some pretty funny thoughts, but who speaks those thoughts?

I sorted all of the cards into their component piles, alphabetized them, and then set them aside for a moment to get a piece of paper and a pen. I came back, had an ADD moment, and picked up my deck. Without even thinking, I cut it and riffle shuffled the two halves together.

This has happened to me so often, I don't even remember it anymore. I just can't resist the urge to shuffle up a deck when it's in two halves...

[Whatever Works]

I was watching a game of T1 at gencon. One player had Beta everything (powe/duels/etc.), and the other player had all the cards as well but all were white border nothing extremely "pimp"... Then this conversation began.

WB Guy: Wow you got a pretty impressive deck, all BB nice!
BB Guy: Well, You know what they say about guys who have BB Decks...
WB Guy: What? That they got alot of money?
BB Guy: That too, but lets put it this way... once you go black you never go back.
WB Guy: OH, ok... Thats not sad...
BB Guy: Hey, dont hate me because Im a pimp! (Says while casting Yawg's will)
WB Guy: No Shizzle... (Says while responding with 9th edition mana leak)
BB Guy: Starts cursing.
WB Guy: I think your over-compensating with BB cards...
BB Guy: STFU
WB Guy: Dont hate the player, Hate the game...

All of these quotes happened over the period of about half an hour, but the guys were histerical and obviously canadian.

Kyle L

[ELD]

This happened in a tourament I attended a few years ago.

Player one: End of turn I lightning bolt you.
Player two: For how much?

[Dante]

When it comes to Magic jokes, you definitely want the "Impulse like ..." stuff in there. Unfortunately, these are not  the kind of jokes you tell in non-magical company, but they are still pretty funny: The original and the 2002 update.

the original impusle one is the best....but only if you were around when all that shit was happening...the Al tran one still cracks me up...

[Jacob Orlove]

One of the very early Duelists (first 2 or 3 I think) had an article that had a bunch of "You know you've played too much Magic when...." jokes in it.  Anyone have those to dig up and share with the class?

The only good joke in that whole list was the "Cappucino Blast" one.

[Machinus]

I have the same situations as JD. It's like thinking "Judge!" when someone crosses a red traffic light, or calling any lucky spot a "topdeck". In general, having Magic associations can lead to some pretty funny thoughts, but who speaks those thoughts?

The concept of priority is really deep and can sneak into real world thinking (it's also a really awesome foundation for multiplayer games, btw). I read somewhere on team academy some years ago a joke about a guy getting hit by a car and yelling something like "wtf, I had priority!" Usually I am really tired when I get that confused, but it happens.

[BigMac]

The funniest thing was when we won national team championship way way back. We were holding a huge trophee and were traveling by train while talking about the past day. In the Netherlands we have an all open train, so no partial compartments and everybody could hear what we were saying. Just imagine the looks on all the faces when we were jolly happy talking about magic and nobody understood what we were talking about. There were even some people asking us questions what we were talking about and what kind of language it was we were talking.

I guess you had to be there.

[Methuselahn]

If I hear one more bad joke about Tainted Wood, I'm going to have to kick somebody in the Savage Twister.