Waterbury Humor/Challenges thread

[Phantom Tape Worm]

I love Waterburies. I really look forward to them and enjoy them. In fact, the only thing I don't like about them is that a little while before they happen, and before any large event, there's some stupid trashtalking thread.

Everyone goes on here, posts how awesome they are, how they're going to burn everyone else to the ground, how their team is the best team ever, how their new tech is the best anything ever.

Whatever. I'm going to try my best. I hope I make top eight. If I do well, then great. If I don't, then that's fine too.

Rich, I couldn't agree with you more.  These things have been done to death.  They're trite and contrived and let's be honest, now they're really just getting on everyone's nerves.  It's almost sad to see one of these threads these days, because you know it's just the same old:

"MY TEME IS TEH SO G00D!!!11  WE AER PWN INSIDE OF U IN MOUTH!  SEXY TIME"

And it's just gotten really tired.

With that in mind, I'm going to lead this thread in a different direction.  Trashtalking is so yesterday; what I want to do with this thread is swim against the current and try something totally different and new and exciting!  I want to go the opposite route, so instead of trying to trash talk the other teams, I want to prop them up.  I want take a team that I don't belong to, and instead of talking about how I'm going to deficate/urinate/sodomize on them, I'm going to hype them up as the bad ass mamma jamma's they are!!

Sound new and fun and exciting yet?  You're damn right, it does!


Let's start with Meandeck.  Meandeck is the shit!  
Meandeck is going to ruin everyone with their Mean decks!
Meandeck makes good decks better.
Meandeck has the best tech.
Meandeck defined the fundamental turn.
Meandeck crystallized the metagame
Meandeckers are the world's best-dressed magic players.
Meandeck coined the term "broken".
Meandeck invented playskill.
Meandeck controls the restricted list.
Meandeck is responsible for every deck in vintage.
Meandeck controls R&D.
Meandeck has never lost a game.
Meandeck conquered ancient china
Meandeck perfected the art of deep-throating.
Meandeck spread HIV
Meandeck invented the reach-around.
Meandeckers don't fart.  Instead they release an aura of soft white light energy that feels warm against the skin creating a halo about the head.
A lock of hair from a meandecker can be used to brew a potion for eternal youth.
When a Meandecker deficates, it is oderless and comes out a geometrically perfect cylinder.  In primitive cultures, it is venerated as a god.
Meandeckers can heal the sick with a touch from their penis while whispering "smmenen loves you"!


WOW!! I'm super pumped after that!  Forget trashtalking, extolling the greatness of meandeck kicks ass!

[Hi-Val]

Hi, my name is Doug and I can't stop thinking about Team Shortbus. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Shortbus was created from the split in the Paragons.
Shortbus has awesome players on it like SSS, PTW and Kowal.
Shorbus has created several major archetypes.
Shortbus has taken power from the grasp of Meandeck.
Shortbus team members have a secret "third eye" that they can see out of.
Shortbus invented the paper plate.
Shortbus is based in the T1 hub of Virginia.
Shortbus members would eat a homeless man if you dared them.
Shortbussers pee champagne and their farts smell like Chanel No. 5 (For Men).
Shortbus invented the "Man Train" and often are heard calling dibs on the "caboose position."
Shortbus defeated Ghengis Khan.
Shortbussers were the inspiration for Modigliani, Picasso and Warhol.
Shortbus has seen Donald Trump without a toupee on before. By accident.
Shortbussers have invented the words "Beats Beats" and "Frowns".

[Kowal]

Meandeck dominates on home court and away.
Meandeck invented the deck you play right now.
Meandeck members always have a light for your smoke.
Meandeck works security at strip clubs.
Meandeck could take your dad in a fight.
Meandeck is having sex with your sister, right now!
Meandeck are mankind's saviours, designed by the raelians over 200,000 years ago.
Meandeck can fart nerve gas, but they don't want to.
Meandeck once knocked over a casino, and they didn't even think about it.
Meandeck created Holland.
Meandeck won the Battle of Hastings four years before it was faught.
Meandeck signed the declaration of independance...  Twice!
Meandeck keeps Mike Long contained in a basement, forced to create fledgling t1 combo decks.
Meandeck has great pecs.

[Kowal]

For reference.

[Saucemaster]

We don't call it "Holland", we call it "Meandeck Europe".  It's like regular Europe, except by making a few minor changes, we've improved it immeasurably.

[Bram]

The gigantic office was so white it would have been blinding, where it not for the fact that the dim ambient illumination, which seemed to emanate from nowhere in particular, was the only source of light in the room. The massive Louis XVI desk, the only furniture present in the room save a cabinet filled with various psychotropic substances, looked vaguely out of place.

The cloaked figure entered the ISP head office accompanied by two heavily armed T.O.P.I.C. commandos. Rvs, who before his cybernetic enhancements was known only as Morefling, appeared not to notice his entrance and stood with his back to the visitor, gazing silently over the featureless landscape of night time Holland for what seemed like an eternity.

'Sir, the double agent has arrived,' explained one of the commandos in a tone of voice that suggested extensive military training.

When the cloaked figure's eyes adjusted to the low light level, he noticed a Level Five judge and a former world champion standing in opposite corners, arms crossed, looking at him mildly amused. Just as he was about to speak, rvs turned around and addressed him.

'You have the tech?'

'I do,' answered the cloaked man in English with an accent that might very well have been Canadian, 'but what about my reward?'. He eyed the cabinet on the left wall.

Rvs spoke softly to the judge and the champion, who uttered something back in a language so incomprehensible it might as well have been Klingon. The cloaked figure reflected on how Dutch was not so much a language as a disease of the throat. Their answer was equally unintelligible but seemed to include the name 'Bram' multiple times.

'The Shaman will see you momentarily. But first, let's have the tech.'

The cloaked figure presented a briefcase. Rvs pressed a hidden button on his deck, and mere moments later a man with a posture that suggested he might be a bouncer entered the room.

'BigMac, would you please see to it that these lists are....reproduced? The copying room is on stand-by.'

Marco sighed. 'Sir, I do not condone this course of action. We are above copying tech. I have proven such to you on various occasions.'

Rvs suddenly lost his temper and slammed the desk. 'Fine! Then I'll have Pyromaniac do it. Surely HE will have none of these....what do you call 'em again?'

'Ethics,' suggested the lever five judge.

'Ethics,' echoed rvs, and summoned Pyro to his office.

Out of nowhere, a hidden door in the left wall swung open. A foglike substance crept over the floor towards the cloaked figure. A smell of pot prevailed throughout, while a figure dressed solely in black approached.

Rvs looked up, surpised. 'Bram! You have an answer already?'

'Indeed I do. The tech is rendered irrelevant at this point,' said Bram, but hastily added: '...but store it anyway for future reference.'

'What about my reward then? This wasn't the deal!' exclaimed the cloaked figure.

Bram pointed at the cabinet, pressing a button on some remote control than had the magic runes 'PHILIPS' enscribed on it. The cabinet sprung open.

'Take anything you want. As you know, such things are abundant in The Netherlands.'

While the cloaked figure helped himself to the finest weed money can buy, Bram continued in a prophetic tone of voice.

'The Ancestors have spoken to me once again through the mysteries of the Substance. They have informed me that neither a Shortbus member nor a Meandeck member will win the next Waterbury.'

'What?' said the cloaked figure, 'but that's insanity!'

Bram gave him a devastating look. 'Need I remind you that my predictions concerning the previous SCG event where right on the money?'

All those present shaked their heads. 'Well then,' continued Bram, 'the Ancestors are in one of their cryptic moods again. They have bestowed upon me the knowledge than 'Team Stunt Aircraft' will own Waterbury. But surely there is no such team. It must be an anagram of sorts.'

All those present looked vaguely puzzled, aside from BigMac, who suppressed a smile.

'Stupid Ancestors,' sighed rvs, 'Oh well, it is of no concern. We will not....DIRECTLY participate in the tournament this time around anyway.'

All those attending looked at the cloaked figure and grinned menacingly.

'As long as our operation remains hidden for the time being, it will be all right', spoke rvs,' Very well, onto the next stage. I have successfully placed the cryptic map to our HQ, which Bram so artfully created, in the hands of the corrupt Shortbus member several month ago. It won't be long before he figures it out.'

Bram nodded, and lit another reefer before retreating to the privacy of the Meditation Room.

'Ugh, how do I get through customs with all this stuff?' asked the cloaked figure before the door closed.

'It will be no problem, my boy,' smiled Bram, 'you didn't REALLY think the symbol of your nation airline was a MAPLE leaf, did you?'

[Kowal]

Truth be told, I do have a couple grudge matches to call out.

First and foremost is Rich Shay.  Last Waterbury, Rich stopped my advance in to the finals (which would have been without a doubt one of my best matchups in the room, and an almost definite waterbury win to be the first with two of those) and as such, I intend to make it my job to step over him on my way to first place.

Second is Jacob Orlove.  Jacob and I are currently tied for 2nd place in t1 pro player points in North America, and whichever of us does better ascends to first place.  In addition, the Meandeck vs Short Bus pro points are very very close, and by smashing Jacob, I can almost definitely push Short Bus a decent distance ahead of the competition again.

Lastly is Saucey.  In the make it or break it round of Richmond, I let a play mistake prevent me from comboing out Saucey with Madness, which would have guaranteed me a t8 seat, a piece of power, and top eight for Madness, in addition to enough pro points to be seat 1 right now.  I will not be making play mistakes this time.

[Saucemaster]

I'll accept the out-calling, but it wasn't a play mistake that prevented you from comboing out.  It was the fact that I'd purposefully swung with SotN to put you at 2, and turned off that DA in your yard as opposed to holding back to block your Mongrel with the SotN (which I considered), that cost you that game.  

[The Atog Lord]

First and foremost is Rich Shay.

I am going to be playing Control Slaver at Waterbury. See, now how many people announce their deck in advance? Just be ready for that, and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

[Hi-Val]

The Importance of Being Earnest was based upon Oscar Wilde's encounter with Marc Perez and Shane Stoots.
Shortbus has delivered 31 babies and performed the following bris.
Shortbus has accurately predicted the past 16 Super Bowl and Oscar winners.
Shortbussers blink eleven times in a minute.
Shortbus holds the world record for most people on a surf board.
Shortbus was the moral support behind the United States' victory over the USSR in the 1980 Olympics.
Shortbus has gangbanged Jewel, and I am informed that she wasn't that good.
Shortbus fixed the foundation on my house.
Shortbus invented the pronoun, and had creative influence on the preposition.
Shortbus modeled for both Michaelangelo AND Raphael's David. Kowal wore the foppish hat.
Shortbus can read the future in tea leaves.
Shortbus regularly checks their testes for signs of cancer.

[The Atog Lord]

Two friends and I would be happy to take on either team or both in a draft.

I would love to take you guys on in a draft but drafting is too much like doing law school homework - it's tough, grueling, and not exciting, even if it is rewarding and fun to win. THe only way I'll do a team draft is if we put money on it enough to get me revved - like $50 or more.

I was just offering to do a nice friendly draft, but it appears, Steve, that you'd rather money draft for $50. I hope you're ready, because I know I'm ready to accept your challenge. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.

[Mykeatog]

"Yes, Mykeatog The Mana Drain is the place where you go express you opinions on type one" The voice said.

"That isn't true! When one of the good Magic players speak, the powers that be molest threads, and delete posts" The hot-fire poured from Mykeatog's mouth.

"You seem so angry little tog, don't you know that your place here is only relevant if you suck off the cooler Mana Drainer's;  Adepts, Full Users, and Moderators?"

"Wow, and all this fucking retarded gay bullshit. So to truly flourish here I have to conform to the needs of this homoerotic idea? Is there anything I can do?" The distraught Mykeatog sits down; defeated.

"Not that I know of, unless your a really good dick sucker."

"Wait; I have an idea; Waterbury. Let's say I go there and kick the shit out everyone; and what if I somehow WIN that fucking tournament; then, now hear me out; THEN, I will be the newest in hip, I will be the dick that these homo's want to suck. I will decide what threads get molested because of my superior dorktitude. YES! YES! I see it now." Excitment raged through his body.

"Then go to Waterbury. Perhaps you are right, perhaps a victory is just what you need, if what you say is t-t-true." A stutter.

"Oh yes, it is true; now this isn't about the power. This isn't about the PSA invite, or the Evolution Invite, or the free rounds in the next Waterbury - this is about dethroning lameness. This is about taking back what this site used to exist for."

And with that the lesser known Tog set off on his journey. The great Waterbury has always been the proving grounds of the Vintage world, and now the player who never quite hit the top is on his way there with a purpose, and a mission.

2 HOURS LATER

Back at the crib, Mykeatog doesn't own a single playable magic card anymore - just some oddities. Searching through his things, he finds nothing but some waxbacks, duelmaster cards, and some Rise of Destiny packs. He begins to weep when his super-hero sidekick steps into the room.

"Seriously; are you some kind of bitch?" Hulk3Rulez laughs at the crying man.

"It's time Phelon, I have to return to the game." Tog looks down into his hands, unused since November, and he begins to question himself.

"Interesting. Well then you know what we have to do." Phelon smirks.

"The Batcave." The two men go into their living room, and pull a book out of the wall. A whole segment of wall vanishes, and then the two jump into the darkness.

The rest of this story will tell itself. Mykeatog will go to Waterbury, and he will fight the good fight. He will fight to get his posts to not be deleted for NO FUCKING reason.

[Triple_S]

Early reports state about 200 in attendance