DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to revive the proud tradition of trashtalking on TMD in anticipation of upcoming tournaments. While the practice is normally reserved for large events, I thought that it was worth giving it a try here. We don't have very many big tournaments in New England these days, and this TO has more than gone the extra mile to provide value to his players. I figure that's good enough for some hype.
The following is meant in the spirit of jest and isn't intended to insult or malign anyone mentioned or depicted in this post. If you find yourself included and you're seriously bothered by what I said, let me know and I'll remove you with my apologies. Now then...
This tournament is going to be awesome. The prize structure offered is excellent, and the entrance fee is less than half the going rate at other venues. Plus, longtime Vintage mainstays are coming out of retirement in droves in order to participate in this showdown. However, I'm sorry to inform you all that I'm going to be collecting the foil Welders.
In fact, I'll go ahead and post my tournament report in advance for everyone's benefit. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll add some images to provide further clarity on how this is all going to go down.
Round 1 vs. Mike Long, Rootwater Thief.dec
Before:
I'm a little nervous kicking off my outing against a Pro right out of the gates. I guess word about the kickass prize structure and entrance fee had spread farther than I thought. My anxiety only grew when Mike started talking about how he had done it all over again and his deck would result in several more cards getting restricted, and even one or two being banned. I thought of the devastation wrought by Suicide Virus, the last deck prefaced with that claim, and shuddered. But, I was not to be denied.
Game 1. I lead off with Duress and he reveals a hand of Rootwater Thief, Weaver of Lies, Political Trickery, Blatant Thievery, Annex, and lands. I take the Annex and drop a Phid off Lotus. Without much gas on his turn, he ships things back to me and I start drawing with Ophidian.
Things continue on like this for quite a while until he throws up his hands in an act frustration when I'm drawing off Phid and LoA. His cards fall into his lap momentarily and he takes a little while picking them back up. Thinking nothing of it, I send things back to him whereupon he gets a Rootwater Thief past my counters because he had quintuple counter backup. Having never seem him play, discard, or shuffle away his Political Trickery I thought this was odd but luckily I managed to Sower it the next turn.
I attacked him and activated the Rootwater Thief to find 5 Cheatyfaces in his library. He offers some explanation about how he desperately needs to win prize money in order to make restitution to some store in New York in order to replace inventory that went missing, but I was having none of it. He was disqualified for having an illegal deck and the match goes to me. Once the result is recorded, Travis takes it upon himself to administer justice on behalf of the Vintage community.
After:
Round 2 vs. Stefan Ellsworth, Repeal Gifts
We talk before the match about how adding Arcane Denial to his list has improved his performance considerably, to the point where he's able to finish in the money again. He suggests that this may indicate a return to the days of GG's dominance of Vintage. I point out that in order for there to be a return to a particular condition, that condition must have existed at some prior point in time. His eager look of hopeful anticipation instantly fades to one of resigned dejection and we begin.
Before:
Game 1. He runs out a first Tinker and I have the Force. He Forces back and gets a Darksteel Colossus onto the table. Luckily, I draw into an Echoing Truth, which I can play using my Mox. He sighs and we're back to square one. A few turns later, I get a Magus of the Moon into play and equip it with a Sword of Fire and Ice. Before I get an attack in, he goes for the gold with Gifts Ungiven, but he doesn't have the mana to play Will or get through my counters. Brassman sighs in the background. I can hear Elliot Smith playing in the distance.
Game 2. I enjoy dominant board position throughout the game and Duress away Stefan's lone counter the turn before I'm able to get in position and go for it with Vault/Key. I have YawgWill in hand to make a second push if he ripped a counter. Both Vault and Key resolve and I attempt to untap my Vault. He windmill slams Repeal onto the table and exclaims, "Yeeeeaaahhh!! Gotcha, DA! What've you got now?! Andy!!!, Hey, Andy!! Look what I did! Look, look!" I wait patiently for Brassman to arrive at our table, give T00L a reassuring pat on the back, and for our match to resume. We go to his turn, and he draws and passes. I replay Vault and win with Will in hand.
After:
Round 3 vs. The Brass Man, Steel City Repeal Gifts
I guess this won't be an easy road. On the plus side, I know what I'm up against right away and mull accordingly.
Before:
Game 1. I keep a shaky opener, but it pans out. Brassman doesn't go for an early offensive and Phid becomes active in time to put me ahead on cards. We have a counterwar over his Ancestral, which he wins, and he follows it up with, Repeal, replaying Mox, Wheel of Fortune. Fearing I may have miscalculated against his deck and am about to be Stormed out, I draw my new hand which contains Tezzeret and counters.
He makes another attempt to keep his surge going, but his mana is bottlenecked. I Drain a Merchant Scroll and use the mana to play Tezzeret on my turn. He doesn't have enough followup and I get there.
Game 2. I open with a Tinker after Brassman plays out a lot of mana and a Draw 7, which gets Forced. Unfortunately, this means I have to reveal my secret tech of Sphinx Sovereign, which I figure must be better than Sphinx of the Steel Wind, being both a mythic rare and a sovereign. Brassman draws and passes, and before long, the 9-damage clock of Sphinx Sovereign gets there.
After:
Round 4 vs. Kowal, Phid
Of course I have to face the mirror before being eligible to draw into t8. We discuss the possibility of a split, but Kowal refuses to pussyfoot around and we're off to the races. Just before we begin to play, Travis LaPlante strikes again.
Before:
Game 1. Kowal immediately sets to work with his trademark mind games, talking about how he's going to start a help fund with his winnings to get me professional psychotherapy to console me after my loss to him. However, he makes a critical mistake in forgetting to drop a land to put himself on Drain mana and I use that opening to Sower his Phid and outdraw him.
Game 2. He takes a mighty chug from a Mountain Dew 2-liter bottle and I know I'm in trouble. He drops a first turn Magus of the Moon off Lotus and my hand of fetches seems subpar. Things only get worse when he adds a Phid to the mix, but then Ninjitsu's in a Ninja of the Deep Hours, returning his Magus to his hand. Seizing the moment, I fetch out my Islands and play Tinker with double counter backup on my turn.
Needing a miracle, Kowal thinks before drawing. He looks at his card, and then announces that he didn't put Ancestral in his deck because drawing it isn't as good as drawing Careful Study in Madness. I voice my puzzlement as to why this is relevant to Phid-related strategies, to which Kowal retorts, "
You're a Phid-related strategy!" It seems I may have won the battle, but Kowal, with his rapier wit, had won the war. I leave the table trying not to go on tilt.
Kowal takes a break from the event to obtain some encouragement from his girlfriend, pictured below,
But his headwear predicament only gets worse:
Round 5 vs. Smmenen, Meandeck The Mean Deck
I'd heard rumors that Steve had come in from the Midwest, but I wasn't sure they were accurate. I looked around the venue for him at different intervals, but must have overlooked him. I offer a draw, but he demands we play.
Before:
Game 1. Steve surveys his hand from left to right, one card at a time. Slowly, his face begins to light up, starting from the calm, dispassionate detachment of a master of his craft, rising to the threshold of excitement known to a child on Christmas morning, growing to the heights of ecstasy displayed by contestants chosen for the Price is Right, and peaking in a crescendo of manic thrill that surpassed description or parallel. He motioned frantically for anyone available to come over and witness the foundation of his assured victory.
He then played a land and a Sensei's Divining Top. I died a little inside. Several minutes later, he enjoys a commanding hand advantage, obtained with Necropotence. I try to hold on as best I can, but am soon beaten with Tendrils. Steve stands up and gives himself a stirring round of applause.
Game 2. Knowing my pride is on the line as a representative of the Northeast, I redouble my efforts and keep a hand with turn 1 Drain, and a Phid active soon thereafter. Steve Merchant Scrolls for Brainstorm, which I immediately counter. A subsequent Duress confirms that he had high-cost dead cards in his hand. Victory is assured thereafter.
Game 3. With little time left in the round, we both play at a frenetic clip. A crowd gathers, and I begin to detect the odor, at first faint and later not so faint, of alcohol. Angelo stumbles onto the table, half in the bag. We readjust our cards and I continue to swing in with Phids. Time is called and Steve is at 6 facing down 3 Ophidians. On turn 1 I attack for 2 cards and 1 damage, putting Steve at 5. He draws, intensely staring at his cards, and passes. I attack for 2 damage and one card, putting him at 3. He storms to 2 and plays ETW. I counter all copies and attack for lethal damage with Phids.
After:
Round 6 vs. Louis Gentile, Oath
We talk about our respective tournament experiences and in the process, and I use a multisyllabic word in the process. This infuriates Louis, who angrily labels me pretentious and demands we play our match out.
Both games proceed in usual form, with me stopping an early Oath, getting down a Magus to cut him off his mana, and then taking things home with Phid. Louis doesn't take his loss well.
After:
OH NO, MY BETA TIME WALK!
Top 8 vs. Angelo Santiago, Food Chain Goblins
And so it begins. The Man. The Myth. The Legend. The One And Only. Angelo's return to Vintage. He stumbles up to me, slurring his words. I can't make out what it is at first, eventually I'm able to discern the following: "hhhey. hey. heychris. my top 8 opponent sucks. you'n me. we gotta sticktogether. wha...whuss, what's he playin'?" I explain to him that I'm his top 8 opponent. He staggers to the left a little bit, the realization piercing the haze of alcohol and crazed unpredictability that are the hallmarks of Angelo's tournament approach, and he falls over into the chair across from me, ready to begin.
Before:
Game 1. Angelo wins the roll and leads off with Goblin Lackey. Luckily I have the Darkblast, which keeps him pinned down for a while. I get Phid onto the board, but he meets with a REB. I drop a Sword of Fire and Ice and then equip a Magus of the Moon and begin attacking. With the Sword's ability on the stack, Angelo announces responses to the trigger. With priority, he taps a Taiga for green, pops his Lotus for Red, and then turns his head to the side and vomits, falling out of his seat and landing in a puddle of regurgitated Taco Bell and week-old bar peanuts, moaning vacantly and struggling to regain his vertical base.
Eventually he makes it back to the table and looks around, perplexed. "Yo...yo, dude. What round is this? Who's my opponent? You-- you think I gotta shot at top 8? 'Cause I gotta pick up some stop signs for-- for-- for...what time does the tournament start? 'Cause, I'm gonna win that shit." He then stumbles off to the Men's Room, leaving my attack step in limbo.
A few minutes later, he returns, a strange grin on his face and a stranger smell pervading the top 8 tables suddenly. Not allowing my concentration to be broken so easily, we pick up where we left off and Magus brings home the win.
Game 2. Angelo is on the play, and surveys his opening seven. His head drops lower and lower throughout this process, perhaps a sign of disappointment at some ill-timed hard luck. His head lowers, and lowers, and lowers...until it falls onto the table, a final indication of Angelo's concession to the ravages of alcoholism before his de facto concession in the top 8. I extend my hand for a moment, out of reflexive habit, and then compassionately pat Angelo on the head. He's been a fine, brave soldier this day, and has earned his rest. I silently take the mostly-finished bottle of Rumple Minze from his pocket, and replace it with some tablets of AlkaSeltzer, knowing he's had enough for a while.
After:
Top 4 vs. Mike Solymossy, Spell Snare Tezzeret
Word of this event really has spread far and wide. We talk about a split, but I can see in Soly's eyes that he wants to exact revenge for the warnings, demotions, and bannings over the years. And so we begin.
Before:
Game 1. I'm able to get a Magus of the Moon onto the board, which handily costs 3 and evades Soly's hand of counters. A Phid soon follows and Soly is in rough shape. I'm able to put things away with Vault/Key.
Game 2. I draw the nuts and get a turn 1 win. Infuriated, Soly seizes a nearby spectator and F-5's him through the table, walking off with his head held high, having salvaged some of his pride.
After:
Finals vs. Travis LaPlante, Monkey Cage Stax
And we come to it at last. I know who the f--- he is. He's the Juggernaut. There's no splitting with the Juggernaut. Kowal remains huddled on the sidelines, still cleaning himself off after the epic ruination brought upon him by Travis. Mike Long is but a memory at this point, suffering the iron justice of the newest addition to New England's TO roster. Now, it may well be my turn to join the humbled ranks of the defeated.
Before:
Game 1. Travis opens with Workshop, Mana Vault, Gilded Lotus, Cabal Ritual, Black Lotus, Mind's Desire. Because why wouldn't he? He ends the turn with March of the Machines, Monkey Cage, Phyrexian Processor, Etherium Astrolabe, Temporal Aperture, Mishra's Helix, and Master of Etherium in play. Luckily I have Hurkyl's Recall in hand and Travis paid a ton of life to the Processor. I Sower his token and he triumphantly tells me he meant to do that. Well, fortunately things worked out for both of us.
Game 2. Travis plays out lock pieces and I keep cranking out Islands and thereafter, creatures. Travis plays March of the Machines and I Sower his Smokestack. He loses permanents at a faster rate than I do and the Goblin Welders are mine.
After: Remember that scene where the Juggernaut gets thrown across the ocean yelling "But I'm Juggernaut, biiiiitch...!" Yeah, that.
So you see, while this tournament will be an amazing time, the outcome is already decided. So, come for the amazing entry fee, stay for the experience, and collect generous prizes through the top 8. But those Welders are coming back with me.
I open the floor to misguided tournamentgoers who dare to disagree.
