Funny Old Cards Written Text.

[Annorax]

Honorable mention: Legends Syphon Soul. Read the flavor text about once and have instalaughs anytime you want. Plus all these references to "caster" make me wonder whether the card is going to grow wheels and roll around like a chair...

[Robert the Swordsman]

Rock Hydra.

When it comes into play, put "X +1/+1 counters (heads) on Hydra", and "each each point of damage Hydra suffers destroys a head". On top of that, "during your upkeep, new heads may be grown for RRR a piece".

Everything in quotations is exactly as it is written on the card.

Also, Cold Storage, an artifact (from Tempest, no less) with the following INCREDIBLE ability:

"3: Put target creature you control on Cold Storage."

That's right, you can put your creatures ON Cold Storage... far too broken if you ask me.

[Glix]

Not so much old cards, but some very amusing interpretations of newer cards by younger players at a local card shop:

Storm counts every spell played before the current turn for storm count, but not the spells cast that turn.

Book Burning actually says, according to them: Unless target player has [a copy of] Book Burning, deal 6 damage to them and put the top 6 cards of their library into their graveyard.

And as for newer misprints:

Oboro Envoy: This card contains the same flaw that Bessing once did, it never actually states "until end of turn", so apparently if you have enough mana, that Colossus is going to get quite small and never do anything at all.

[andrewpate]

The Book Burning one is downright ubiquitous.  And quite beyond me, frankly.  If you take that line break as a comma, which I suppose one might actually do, you immediately notice that something is amiss because the ensuing sentence is not grammatically correct.  Is reading comprehension this bad even among Magic players?

[TheBrassMan]

*(ten points for the original casting cost, twenty for the original name!)

That'd be 1R (written as 2R on the playtest card, see the article jacob links to for that explanation), and named Starburst.  At gencon 3 years ago, a collecter had a deck of Alpha playtest cards he was showing to Stephen Menendian.  I got to see Steve play a game with it, where he played Starburst on his opponent.  The head judge of the Vintage Champs main event ruled that the effect as written was a delayed trigger that happened at the end of the opponent's turn, giving the other player enough time to Tinker for Platinum Angel and win anyway... Richard Garfield never saw that one coming!  Points Please!!!

As for bad wordings on old cards, how about this beauty



Notice how you don't lose hecatomb if you don't have any creatures out, and the swamp you target doesn't have to be untapped.  Swamp, Dark Ritual, Hecatomb, GG?  Little better than Flame-Vault.

[Komatteru]

Well, back then, you couldn't tap things that were untapped to satisfy a "tap ~ to do something" requirement.  Remember, back then, they put mana and tap costs only to the left of the colon.  All other additional costs were put after the mana/tapping, in the form of "[Additional cost] to have/do/whatever..."  I don't think sacrifices and the like were officially part of the "cost" back then (since the rules didn't have templating for non-mana or non-tap costs).  Imagine if you had something worded like this now:

[Mana Cost], Tap: Sacrifice ~this~.  Do something cool.

If you could untap the card before the ability fired off, you would be able to use the effect multiple times, since the sacrifice is part of the resolution of the ability.  If it were not in play when the ability resolves, you just wouldn't be able sacrifice it, and you would still do the rest of the ability.  Obviously, they don't have wordings like this for that reason.  Either the sacrifice is part of the cost, or when that's not possible (a trigger like Plague Boiler or Standstill), they use the "if you do" templating to prevent tricks like bouncing the permanent or playing the ability multiple times from happening.

You might think this was possible back then, but since you could only respond to effects with interrupts, and there were no interrupts that uptapped stuff, it wasn't.  It's just as well, since even if you could untap something with its ability on the stack, it wouldn't do any good because you everything resolved at once.  First you played the ability, then you could interrupt the spell/ability, then you would be able to play instants and other fast effects with those interrupts still on the "stack" (they called them batches and series then), then the order of resolution would go Interrupts in LIFO order, then everything else in LIFO order.

I was pointing out Hecatomb at RIW the other day, since there's no negative effect not listed for not sacrificing the creatures.  THAT'S INSANE!!  Now, the card works a lot better than it used to, since you couldn't use a card before you dealt with all its comes into play or upkeep effects back in the day.  These days, you can tap all your Swamps to machine gun your opponent with the CIPT on the stack, but back in pre-6th edition days, you had to sacrifice the creatures before you could do that.  Reference all the updated wordings for lands like Lotus Vale.  Back then, you couldn't tap the thing before you dealt with all its CIPT, but now, you could, so all cards like that have received wordings to be replacement effects.

[Anusien]

Actually, you could respond to (sorceries,) instants and abilities with instants, abilities or interrupts.  You could only respond to an interrupt with another interrupt which mean no tapping LoA to win a counter war.

[Jacob Orlove]

Thirty points to brassman!

[andrewpate]

Imagine if you had something worded like this now:

[Mana Cost], Tap: Sacrifice ~this~.  Do something cool.

If you could untap the card before the ability fired off, you would be able to use the effect multiple times, since the sacrifice is part of the resolution of the ability.  If it were not in play when the ability resolves, you just wouldn't be able sacrifice it, and you would still do the rest of the ability.  Obviously, they don't have wordings like this for that reason.  Either the sacrifice is part of the cost, or when that's not possible (a trigger like Plague Boiler or Standstill), they use the "if you do" templating to prevent tricks like bouncing the permanent or playing the ability multiple times from happening.

Note that some cards actually do have this wording, and you can do such tricks.  Some of the Standard decks based on Momentary Blink use Mangara of Corondor for this exact reason.  And Goblin Cannon is actually a card based on this concept.

[freakish777]

[Mana Cost), Tap: Sacrifice ~this~.  Do something cool.

If you could untap the card before the ability fired off, you would be able to use the effect multiple times, since the sacrifice is part of the resolution of the ability.

Note that some cards actually do have this wording, and you can do such tricks.  Some of the Standard decks based on Momentary Blink use Mangara of Corondor for this exact reason.  And Goblin Cannon is actually a card based on this concept.

And I'm stilling wishing they had printed Gigadrowse as:

Replicate U
Tap or Untap Target Permanent.

Mangara would be absurd with a storm or replicate spell that untapped a permanent or creature.

[andrewpate]

That card would be ridiculous for a lot of reasons not having anything to do with Mangara.  Think about a Twiddle Desire deck that could aim that at Gilded Lotus.  In Extended, a Mind's Desire deck with sacklands, ritual effects, Gilded Lotus, Mystical Teachings, and this would be a monster.  Not to mention rfg your opponent's board with Mangara, drawing infinite cards with an Archivist, and probably all sorts of brokenness I'm not even thinking of right now.  There are a lot of good reasons why they did not make a replicating Twiddle for U.  I can't believe you wish they had.  To each his own, I guess.

[Komatteru]

Imagine if you had something worded like this now:

[Mana Cost], Tap: Sacrifice ~this~.  Do something cool.

If you could untap the card before the ability fired off, you would be able to use the effect multiple times, since the sacrifice is part of the resolution of the ability.  If it were not in play when the ability resolves, you just wouldn't be able sacrifice it, and you would still do the rest of the ability.  Obviously, they don't have wordings like this for that reason.  Either the sacrifice is part of the cost, or when that's not possible (a trigger like Plague Boiler or Standstill), they use the "if you do" templating to prevent tricks like bouncing the permanent or playing the ability multiple times from happening.

Note that some cards actually do have this wording, and you can do such tricks.  Some of the Standard decks based on Momentary Blink use Mangara of Corondor for this exact reason.  And Goblin Cannon is actually a card based on this concept.

I believe I remember reading that the idea for Goblin Cannon was to create an updated Rocket Launcher.  However, the templating on Rocket Launcher was clunky, and they wanted to avoid the EOT trigger, so they made a sacrifice part of the effect.  In addition, 4 mana and a sacrifice plue 2 mana to do one whole damage was clearly not going to get it done in a block with Pyrite Spellbomb.   Do note that the abilities that have such a wording are quite rare.

[Gandalf_The_White_1]

Animate Wall:
"Target wall can now attack.  Target walll's power and toughness are unchanged, even if it's power is 0."

Blaze of Glory:
"Target defending creature can and must block all attacking creatures it can legally block.  For example, a normal non-flying target defender can and must block all normal non-flying attackers at once, but it cannot block any flying attackers.  Controller of target defender may distribute damage among attackers as desired.  Play before defense is chosen."

Demonic Attorney:
"If opponent doesn't concede the game immediately [perform the effect of this spell]..."

Goblin Balloon Brigade:
"R: Goblins gain flying ability until end of turn.  Controller may not choose to make Goblins fly after they have been blocked."
Note that this appears to give flying to all Goblins, not just the Balloon Brigade.

Also, how they introduced the word "killed" into Magic Vocabulary from Unlimited to Revised is amusing.

"Killed" appears on Alpha The Hive: "...If the Hive is destroyed, the wasps must still be killed individually."

Oh man, Alpha Unsummon is hilarious (obviously a mispint):
"Return creature to owner's hand; enchantments on creature are CARD ed.." (Oh no, I hope all my enchantments have ID!)

Web:
"Target creature gains +0/+2 and can now block flying creatures, though it does not gain the power to fly."

[Robert the Swordsman]

Raging River... "place creatures on the left and right sides of the river"... it has to be read to be truly appreciated.

Also: Dead Ringers (Apocalypse). "Destroy two target nonblack creatures unless either one is a color the other isn't." Oh, and they can't be regenerated.

[circus]

[Katzby]

And I'm stilling wishing they had printed Gigadrowse as:

Replicate U
Tap or Untap Target Permanent.

Mangara would be absurd with a storm or replicate spell that untapped a permanent or creature.

This wouldn't work in the way that you intend.  All of the replicate copies (or storm copies) of a spell are placed on the stack at once.  If you try to use the ability of Mangara as each copy Gigadrowse+ resolves, the first time you do this, you'd end up with a stack looking like:

Top
Mangara Ability
Gigadrowse+
Gigadrowse+
Gigadrowse+
...
Gigadrowse+
Bottom

Try to resolve down, and you still end up with Mangara RFGing itself before any other Gigadrowse+ copy can do anything.


Katzby

[pyr0ma5ta]

And I'm stilling wishing they had printed Gigadrowse as:

Replicate U
Tap or Untap Target Permanent.

Mangara would be absurd with a storm or replicate spell that untapped a permanent or creature.

Mangara is definitely not broken with multiple twiddles.  Please review the Comp Rules for clarifications.  However, Tolarian Academny most definitely is.

[Evenpence]

Spectral Cloak is sort of funny.

Target Creature cannot be the target of instants, sorceries, fast effects, or enchantments unless creature is tapped.

So like, were there slow effects?
Was there a card type that was Fast effects?
Can it be the target of interrupts, or like, were the interrupts so fast that they had to write fast effects instead of interrupts for clarification?
Were they just talking about abilities?  Because like, they could have said "special powers" to clarify a little more.

[zeus-online]

Fast effects where instants, interrupts and abilities where often played as an interrupt, thereby making it a "fast effect", oh yeah, and mana sources where fast effects aswell.

/Zeus

[Bram]

OK, didn't read all if these yet, so there may me doubles.

Revised Sengir Vampire: "Gets a +1/+1 counter each time a creature dies."
OK, so if your dog decides to croak during one of your multiplayer evenings, at *least* you can win the game because if it. Also: do I need a death certificate, or can I add the counter if all players observed that it hasn't breathed in, say, five minutes?

Beta Tranquility: "All Enchantments are discarded."
Crap, I just had six of them on hand!

Preacher: "Lose control of target creature if Preacher is destroyed or game ends."
No way buddy...I'm KEEPING this german foil DSC!

Ancestral Recall: "Draw three cards or force opponent to draw three cards."
Oh noes! Please don't make me draw three!

Presence of the Master: "Whenever an enchantment spell is played, counter it."
I thought it was illegal for cards to have play advice written on them?

Beta Control Magic: "If target creature is already tapped, it stays tapped until you can untap it. If destroyed, target creature is put in its owner's graveyard."
Cool....built-in Chime of Night FTW!

And now for the real kicker:

7th edition Vernal Bloom: "Whenever a forest is tapped for mana, its controller adds G to his or her mana pool."
Thanks bubba, but we already knew that...  They shouldn't really be making enchantments that have reminder text as their only card text, should they?

(also: thanks to multiplayer legend Stijn van Dongen, some of whose old-card-text-jokes I blatantly stole for purposes of this post).

[Nefarias]

Heh, Bram's Vernal Bloom just reminded me of these two gems

8th Edition Fear: "Enchanted creature has fear"

Champions of Kamigawa Vigilance: "Enchanted creature has vigilance"

I'm surprised Alpha Lance doesn't read "Enchanted creature has Lance."

[Hi-Val]

[Bram]

...and Runes of Protection everywhere sigh in relief.

[The Atog Lord]

Oh noes! Please don't make me draw three!

It's funny now, but just wait until Dragon goes off. Enchant Dead Creatures Force Opponent to Draw 3 Cards!

[Mr. Type 4]

THe best card ever is The Hive.  I considered playing this card in Legacy forfive seconds and almost bought one after I read it.



Don't forget that Wasps must still be killed individually.

[Jacob Orlove]

Man, Hive was broken in Alpha, back when no one knew anything.

[Hi-Val]

Notice that you have to pay its casting cost when you return it!

[Smmenen]

OK, didn't read all if these yet, so there may me doubles.

Revised Sengir Vampire: "Gets a +1/+1 counter each time a creature dies."
OK, so if your dog decides to croak during one of your multiplayer evenings, at *least* you can win the game because if it. Also: do I need a death certificate, or can I add the counter if all players observed that it hasn't breathed in, say, five minutes?

Oh look!  I just stepped on an Ant!  +1/+1

[Sporkcore]

OK, didn't read all if these yet, so there may me doubles.

Revised Sengir Vampire: "Gets a +1/+1 counter each time a creature dies."
OK, so if your dog decides to croak during one of your multiplayer evenings, at *least* you can win the game because if it. Also: do I need a death certificate, or can I add the counter if all players observed that it hasn't breathed in, say, five minutes?

Reminds me of the old judge test that asked the question "There is a Sengir Vampire that has first strike. How many Scryb Sprites does it take to destroy the Sengir Vampire?" with the answer being 12.

[Jacob Orlove]

Six if one has Banding!