"I did a stupid thing"

[Dante]

my wife forwarded this to me, passed on from a friend of her's at comedy central.

wow. 

Take the time to read this. This could be the funniest email I've read. Apparently going around NY at the moment. 1st is a girl's apology email for cheating on some guy. 2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd to his entire address book. He makes some excellent points.
 
 
> Brad,
>
> It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the
> worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I
> hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were
> honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no
> excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all
> of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being
> pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were
> exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a
> different person.
> It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.
> The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there
> are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you
> meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was
> wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal
> with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a
> significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
> strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect
> that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling
> like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is
> nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that
> fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was
> right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything
> in the world to rewind and fix it.
>
> I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not
> today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together,
> although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes
> peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat,
> I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
> was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't
> think I can handle that.
>
> I am so sorry.
> 
> Elizabeth
 
 
 Dear Elizabeth,
 
  Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
 for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
 about".
 
 You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
 to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a
 load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom
 for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so
 long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a
 "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social
 calendar.
 
 To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
 degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2
 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I
 didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I
 couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.
 Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers,
 Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
 unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for
 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends
 don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the
 average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as
 much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong
 but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to
 spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in
 New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who
 decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new
 haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
 The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into
 the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
 saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
 happened.
 
 By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
 you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
 you do.
 Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
 watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
 
 PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
 
 Talk to you never,
 Brad


This was unreadable, so I fixed the stupid ">>>"s in notepad.
-Jacob

[Machinus]

So many good lines in that. For real though, jelly beans are gross.

[Luiggi]

WOW. That was unbelievably funny.

Luiggi

[forests failed you]

I have so much respect for that guy.  Seriously, you made my fucking day by posting that here.  It was FUCKING AMAZING.

[Saucemaster]

I can't imagine it's real, but I'm really hoping it is.

[Dante]

I can't imagine it's real, but I'm really hoping it is.

If you believe, then it's real.

Jacob - I left it formatted like that because while it was hard to read, it actually had that "forwarded email chain" look to it.

[Dozer]

Funny? No. Rather sad, for all parties involved, real or not... guess this just isn't my kind of humor.

[SpencerForHire]

I feel no sympathy for her but the "gentleman" in question was quite imature about BCCing it.

[Bardo]

I'm with Dozer. That's just depressing...

Paranthetically, 45 minutes seems awfully long for a blow job.

[Demonic Attorney]

Reading this e-mail was eerie.  The tone and diction looked like I wrote it.

I'll have to join the camp that gave this the thumbs-up/LOL.  Instances of women trashing men and disrespecting them are plastered all over network TV, a good number of magazines and other popular publications, movies, and the occasiobal supermarket novel.  It's a little vindicating to see things go the other way, in a petty, tit-for-tat sense.  I really hope it was as cathartic for the author, though.

[Methuselahn]

This is the funniest thing in the history of forever.

Fact or fiction, this Elizabeth got what she deserved.  If you cheat someone you have to expect and accept the worst. 

45 minutes!??!  That guy is Superman.

[Saucemaster]

I just assumed that the 45 minutes was due to making out first, since I'm pretty sure that our Elizabeth's jaw would have fallen off otherwise.  Unless she's a pro....

[Dante]

I just assumed that the 45 minutes was due to making out first, since I'm pretty sure that our Elizabeth's jaw would have fallen off otherwise.  Unless she's a pro....

c'mon, don't tell me nobody else here has had sooo much to drink one night that you didn't run into this sort of situation...I did once and I felt sorry for her...after 45 mins she literally had to just stop for a couple minutes and rest her jaw.  I promptly passed out.

[Saucemaster]

While I'm sure we've all met good ol' Whiskey Dick on at least one occasion, I've never dated a woman who would be willing to actually keep at it for that long.

After all, it stops being a negative (and you really DO become Superman) if it goes beyond oral.  Treasure those moments, gentleman, when you are That Guy who really can screw like a porn star for as long as desired.

[Gabethebabe]

This was not funny at all. People have committed suicide for less.

Brad sure thinks he is something. I think he is an immature moron.

The bitch hasn´t earned any flowers with her behaviour, so ditch her (it probably wasn´t much of a relation anyway), no need to destroy her.

[Bram]

Whatever. Brad is my hero. If you violate someone's trust in that way, you derserve nothing more.

[Limbo]

Whatever. Brad is my hero. If you violate someone's trust in that way, you derserve nothing more.

Yeah, it is not like he shot a defenceless little bird or something. This girl earned this herself.

[TracerBullet]

This was not funny at all. People have committed suicide for less.

Brad sure thinks he is something. I think he is an immature moron.

The bitch hasn´t earned any flowers with her behaviour, so ditch her (it probably wasn´t much of a relation anyway), no need to destroy her.

It was Schumpeter-like creative-destruction.  There are levels of what's acceptable in a society; blowing a random guy while out with your man is far beyond the little red line.  Bitch crazy, and needs a very good reminder that it's not okay.

[Bram]

Dunno bout you guys, but the 45-minute part made me kinda jealous.

[kirdape3]

While I'm sure we've all met good ol' Whiskey Dick on at least one occasion, I've never dated a woman who would be willing to actually keep at it for that long.

After all, it stops being a negative (and you really DO become Superman) if it goes beyond oral.  Treasure those moments, gentleman, when you are That Guy who really can screw like a porn star for as long as desired.

I laughed harder at this than I did the original pwning.  This is why we love Justinian so much.

[Dante]

Dunno bout you guys, but the 45-minute part made me kinda jealous.

It's overrated.

[forests failed you]

Overrated?????

Are you joking me??

[Dante]

Overrated?????

Are you joking me??

If you're that drunk that it takes that long.....   

[Azhrei]

45 minutes!??!  That guy is Superman.

Well fuck, I'd best stay away from any kryptonite.

[Dozer]

There are levels of what's acceptable in a society; blowing a random guy while out with your man is far beyond the little red line.  Bitch crazy, and needs a very good reminder that it's not okay.

some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey

Does that sound to you like a tried-and-trusted relationship the ominous Brad had to the girl? That he was "her man"? No, it doesn't. And it may not be acceptable in society if a woman pipes on some other guys' bone flute (although I consider this debatable), but neither is it acceptable to vomit out all your frustration and publicly drag someone into the deep mud of BCC'ing hate mails.

Like I said, the whole thing is a sad affair, for everyone involved.

Dunno bout you guys, but the 45-minute part made me kinda jealous.

45 minutes in a pub toilet? I'm never going to be jealous of that.
So drunk that you need 45 minutes to reach an orgasm? No reason to be jealous, either...

Dozer

[Dr. Sylvan]

I'm in the 'not funny' camp.

I'm sure JP can explain to us the semiotics of his various comments impugning her merit as a human being, but it seemed to me like he didn't even like her before this happened. If he thought she was that shallow, she must not have meant a lot to him, and there's even less reason to go ape-shit at her. As much as she wronged him, he's just as wrong to go out of his way to humiliate her publicly for her poor behavior. She tried to apologize and walk away amicably, and he reacted inappropriately.

[Bram]

She tried to apologize and walk away amicably, and he reacted inappropriately.

Some things you can't walk away amicably from.

If he thought she was that shallow

I'm sorry, I thought you said 'swallow'.

[nataz]

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
 watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

I thought that was funny

[Gabethebabe]

I'm in the 'not funny' camp.

I'm sure JP can explain to us the semiotics of his various comments impugning her merit as a human being, but it seemed to me like he didn't even like her before this happened. If he thought she was that shallow, she must not have meant a lot to him, and there's even less reason to go ape-shit at her. As much as she wronged him, he's just as wrong to go out of his way to humiliate her publicly for her poor behavior.

My thoughts exactly (note that I have left out the last sentence).
Probably the guy had this chick just because she was a good f*ck. And no matter you´re good in bed, only that doesn´t make a good relationship and the guy knew that and now he had a good opportunity to spit it all out.

My e-mail back would have been something like: "Yeah right, thank you for your e-mail, now be so kind as to delete my e-mail from your addressbook, wipe my address, my phonenumber and my whole existence out of your one braincell and get the fuck out of my life".

[Bram]

Oh come on...it's not like I think it's moreally justified or anything. I concede that he isn't being the 'bigger person' here, and that it would be a the morally superior choice to not do this, but I can't seriously say I blame him for doing this... it's perfectly human to desire revenge for a betrayal of trust like this. And also: even if despicable, this is still hilariously funny.