If you were a magic card, what would you be?

[WildWillieWonderboy]

First I have to make a card for teammate and non-poster and non-tournament attendee Joe Bushman:

Bushman, Eater of All 1UB

Start the game with Ancestral Recall or Time Walk in your hand. If you would draw a card, instead search your library for a card and put it into your hand.

Discard a card: Bushman, Eater of All gets +1/+1 until end of turn.
Remove two cards in your graveyard from the game: Bushman, Eater of All gets +1/+1 until end of turn.

Myself:

Blundering Titan 8

When Blundering Titan comes into play, choose a win of each basic win type you control, then destroy those wins.
When Blundering Titan leaves play, choose a win of each basic win type you control, then destroy those wins.

6/8

[Evenpence]

R

Joblin Velder

Creature - Goblin

Tap: Choose target artifact a player controls and target artifact card in that player’s graveyard. If both targets are still legal as this ability resolves, that player sacrifices the artifact in play, then puts the other artifact from his or her graveyard into play.

1/1

Illus. Scott Fischer.

That is way to strong it can't be your card.. They would never in a million years print something like this.. Just think of how good that is..

I agree.  That's like, the best creature ever printed.

[Mind_under_Matter]

Nah, something along the lines of

1UB

Discard a card: <this> gets +1/+1 until end of turn

Remove 2 cards in your graveyard from the game: <this> gets +1/+1 until end of turn.

1/2

 

[Bardo]

Godder, Legacy Guardian
Legendary Creature - Minor Deity
{W}{W}
2/2
: Bitchslap target user.
: Stop target flamewar.
: Clean up target thread.
: Complete tedious task.

"Thread necromancy is bad."

That seems too powerful, but some off-color activations may balance out the card:

: Disable smilies.
: Stop target flamewar.
: Clean up target thread.
: Complete tedious task. (Like grading Bardo's dumb contest.)
: Split and merge asinine discussion with target thread.

[Godder]

That seems too powerful, but some off-color activations may balance out the card:

: Disable smilies.
: Stop target flamewar.
: Clean up target thread.
: Complete tedious task. (Like grading Bardo's dumb contest.)
: Split and merge asinine discussion with target thread.

No tapping? Some of those options take a while, which I thought tapping represented quite well. Also, if you want real power, try this one:

Jacob Orlove, TMD Overlord
Legendary Creature - Major Deity
{G}
2/2
: Bitchslap target user.
: Demote target user.
: Ban target user.
: Promote target user.
: Clean up target thread.
: Destroy everything.

"Thread Closed."

[Harlequin]

Harlequin, Master of Mindgames  1RR
Creature - Harlequin 3/3
R:Name a card and an ability.  Target opponents chooses "Real" or "Bull".  If the card you named was a real card and the card has that ability, and your opponent said "Bull" or if it was fake and your opponent guessed "real",  All Harlequins you control gain the ability you named perminantly and retains all other abilites (in all zones) and get a +1/+1 counter.  If your opponent correctly guess "Real" or "bull" All Harlequins get -1/-1 counter.

[Dozer]

Sporadic Poster

Creature – European VA

When Sporadic Poster comes into play, reply to target thread.
: Read target TMD thread. Realize you have nothing much to add, but still want to reply.
{R}, : Cover target Grand Prix. Phase out Sporadic Poster.

"I go, I come back. I am never gone for ever."

Alternatively...