Funny Old Cards Written Text.

[Evenpence]

So, Oubliette is the king of this.

Select a creature in play when Oubliette is cast.  That creature is considered out of play as long as Oubliette is in play.  Hence the creature cannot be the target of spells and cannot recieve damage, use special powers, attack, or defend.  All counters and enchantments on the creature remain but are also out of play.  If Oubliette is removed, creature returns to play tapped.

Alpha Kormus Bell is also really funny.

Treat all swamps in play as 1/1 creatures.  Now they can be enchanted, killed, and so forth, and they can be tapped either for mana or to attack.  Swamps have no color; they are not considered black cards.

I think this is really funny.  And so forth, hahahaha.

Anyone else have any obscure older cards with funny written text to share?

[The Atog Lord]

You don't take damage from the Arabian City of Brass.  You Suffer that damage.

[Klep]

Floral Spuzzem is sentient.

If Floral Spuzzem attacks an opponent and is not blocked, then Floral Spuzzem may choose to destroy a target artifact under that opponent's control and deal no damage.

[Komatteru]

I'm a fan of Bazaar of Baghdad, which somehow uses like size 4 font and 5 lines of text to say "Draw 2 cards, then discard 3 cards."  Ice Cauldron is the king of taking more words than should be possible to say something, obviously.  How it took like a full text box to say "Save mana to play this card later" is beyond me.

Also, how they introduced the word "killed" into Magic Vocabulary from Unlimited to Revised is amusing.  Reference Nettling Imp:

Alpha/Beta/Unlimited: Tap to force a particular one of opponent's non-wall creatures to attack. If target creature cannot attack, it is destroyed at end of turn. This tap should be played during opponent's turn, before the attack. May not be used on creatures summoned this turn.

Revised: Tap: Force a particular one of opponent's non-wall creatures to attack. If target creature cannot attack, it is killed at end of turn. This ability can only be used during opponent's turn, before the attack. May not be used on creatures summoned this turn.

[andrewpate]

I do find it funny that "discard" used to apply to cards in play, also, as on the Alpha wording of Balance:

Whichever player has more lands in play must discard enough lands of his or her choice to equalize the number of lands both players have in play.  Cards in hand and creatures in play must be equalized the same way.  Creatures lost in this manner may not be regenerated.

Or Black Lotus:

Adds 3 mana of any single color of your choice to your mana pool, then is discarded.  Tapping this artifact can be played as an interrupt.

I also adore how they took "until end of turn" out for Revised.  Check out Blessing from that edition:

: +1/+1

Edit:  fixed typo.

[parallax]

Diamond Valley: Tap to sacrifice one of your creatures in exchange for a number of life points equal to its toughness. Note that this ability may be used after blocking has been declared.

Note that this card has a helpful play suggestion.

Animate Dead: Any creature in either player's graveyard comes into play on your side with -1 to its original power. If this enchantment is removed, or at end of game, target creature is returned to its owner's graveyard. Target creature may be killed as normal.

Animate Dead is a true jewel of old text. The real kicker is in the type line, though: Enchant Dead Creature.

[President Skroob]

I like how the old Nettling Imp refers to its ability as "this tap" in the text.

It's also funny about how the original wording on Bazaar doesn't actually draw cards from your library... you "take" them.

I'm not sure it's funny or not, but I always wondered how the old wording for Nether Shadow became what it is today:

Alpha Nether Shadow:
If Shadow is in graveyard with any combination of cards above it that includes at least three creatures, it can be returned to play during upkeep for its normal casting cost.
Shadow can attack on same turn summoned or returned to play.


Current Oracle:
Haste
At the beginning of your upkeep, if Nether Shadow is in your graveyard with three creature cards above it, you may put Nether Shadow into play.

The "it can be returned to play during upkeep for its normal casting cost" just got lost somewhere...

[Jacob Orlove]

Tap to gain an additional turn
after the current one. Time Vault
doesn't untap normally during
untap phase; to untap it, you must
skip a turn. Time Vault begins
tapped.

Who knows what that's supposed to mean.

[Mr. Nightmare]

Birds of Paradise

Flying//Tap to add 1
mana to your mana
pool.  This tap may be
played as an interrupt.

All kinds of winners.  The // for clarity.  What color mana does it produce?

Dingus Egg

Whenever anyone loses
a land, Egg does 2
damage to that player
for each land lost.

Dammit!  Where'd all my lands go?

Disrupting Scepter arguably could blow up permanents, since "discard" was such a vague term.

Gloom only effected COPs, so Blessing still worked fine.

White Ward kills itself.

[diopter]

Tap to gain an additional turn
after the current one. Time Vault
doesn't untap normally during
untap phase; to untap it, you must
skip a turn. Time Vault begins
tapped.

Who knows what that's supposed to mean.

I lol'ed.

[parallax]

Tap to gain an additional turn
after the current one. Time Vault
doesn't untap normally during
untap phase; to untap it, you must
skip a turn. Time Vault begins
tapped.

Who knows what that's supposed to mean.

I lol'ed.

It clearly means that you should put a counter on it when you untap it, then remove the counter whenever you tap it to take another turn. At least that's the obvious intent.

[jpmeyer]

If this counts, my favorite was a playtest card from Legends called Genesis with the text "All lands become 1/1 creatures and instantly start fighting".

[Jacob Orlove]

In that case, my favorite would be the classic playtest Time Walk* :

Opponent loses next turn.


*(ten points for the original casting cost, twenty for the original name!)


edit: according to http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=mtgcom/feature/22 the correct wording of the playtest genesis is:
All players lands (even if tapped) become 1/1 creatures and instantly start fighting. Casters lands attack while opponents block.

[GrandpaBelcher]

Weakness was always a pretty good one for ambiguous uses of the word "loses":

Target creature loses -2/-1; if this drops the creature's toughness below 1, it is dead.

How blunt!

[Machinus]

Weakness was always a pretty good one for ambiguous uses of the word "loses":

Target creature loses -2/-1; if this drops the creature's toughness below 1, it is dead.

How blunt!

That's the one I was going to post.

[Evenpence]

THIS IS THE BEST THREAD EVER.  I HAVE LOLED WAY TOO MANY TIMES FOR ANYONE'S GOOD.  SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO DIE TO NOW TO BALANCE OUT MY JOY.

[desolutionist]

[Matt]

"Put one chip on Cyclone each round during your upkeep, then pay for each chip or discard Cyclone. If not discarded, Cyclone immediately does 1 damage per chip to each player and each creature in play."

[zeus-online]

I like how old cards always explain what the card does, but also, what it dosn't do

Oh and my favorit is the playtest Swords to plowshares

http://www.wizards.com/magic/images/mtgcom/arcana/alphastp.jpg

One creature takes up farming...!  :lol:

/Zeus

[andrewpate]

Note that it was also a sorcery at that time... at what point did someone say, "RFG one creature for 1 mana in white is okay, I guess, but if you really want it to do anything, I should also be able to play it at the end of my opponent's turn or during combat.  Just sayin'."

[zeus-online]

Well maybe...or perhaps there was no such thing as an instant at that point in development...hard to say

/Zeus

[vroman]

my favorite is definitely Illusionary Mask

 X: You can summon a creature face down so opponent doesn't know what it is.
The X cost can be any amount of mana, even 0; it serves to hide the true casting cost of the creature, which you have to spend.
As soon as a face-down creature receives damage, deals damage, or is tapped, you must turn it face up.


when was the last time a card had to logically justify the playability of its own mechanics?

[Komatteru]

when was the last time a card had to logically justify the playability of its own mechanics?

Diamond Valley.

[Mr. Nightmare]

I find it funny, but only if you consider he's "tapping" on the wall.


You can't actually play this card's ability without a judge watching you.

[Twaun007]

The fifth edition Dandan

 "Islandhome"

If a fish had a home on an island how would it breath?

This stuff cracks me up.......

[freakish777]

::grumbles:: Stupid Power Artifact making it cost atleast 1 mana ("Cycling" your deck into Yawg Will would be fun casually at the very least even if there's better ways to do it).

[Anusien]

Oh wow, these old cards are amazing.  1GG Brainstorm (wait, that's Sylvan Library)?  2GG plus XX in green for turns?  Ridiculous

[andrewpate]

::grumbles:: Stupid Power Artifact making it cost atleast 1 mana ("Cycling" your deck into Yawg Will would be fun casually at the very least even if there's better ways to do it).

Actually, it wouldn't work even if you could reduce the cost to 0.  Note that Jandor's Ring is a Mono Artifact!

@zeus-online
Instants did exist at that point in playtesting.  If you follow Jacob's link, you can see some of them.

Anybody ever seen this before?

[Pandora]

Simulacrum:
"All damage done to you so far this turn is instead retroactively applied to one of your creatures in play. If this damage kills the creature it can be regenerated; even if there's more than enough damage to kill the creature, you don't suffer any of it. Further damage this turn is treated normally."

Oracle text:
"You gain life equal to the damage dealt to you this turn. Simulacrum deals damage to target creature you control equal to the damage dealt to you this turn."

If I were 10 years old and had to understand what this card did I would probably go nuts.

[Evenpence]

If I were 10 years old and had to understand what this card did I would probably go nuts.

Try to get a 10 year old to understand the ORACLE on Channel.  It's hilarious.  It took me 10-15 times to understand what it did.

"Until end of turn, any time you could play a mana ability you may pay 1 life. If you do, add 1 Mana to your mana pool."